being scared shitless – (en)

Scientists spend a lot of time studying fears, and arguing over how they can be treated. They should invest more effort in studying stupidity. Fears are largely potential and theoretical, but stupidity is practical. Men go to far great lengths reacting silly to fear. In front of it we lose any sense of dignity —needless to say the amount of crap we do when we are afraid.

When we’re going to get a shot, what we do? We break into a cold sweat while putting the ass so hard that the needle bounces! We know that will hurt more, but we can’t help.

We go down to the basement and the light is broken. The heart starts pumping full of fear, scared of what the dark could be hiding, and what do we do? Singing! That is, given more info. Launch a flare!

You go in the night down the street and suddenly you see someone you think could assault you. You start hyperventilating as you change your sidewalk! Brilliant. As if a mugger would think: «Shit, another one that has changed my banquette, what a fucking night!”

The other day I was in an elevator with a woman I didn’t know, and suddenly the lift made ​​a strange «brramb». What did the lady? Grab my arm! It is a typical reaction of women. They must think men can fly when an elevator goes off.

Ladies… You are at night in bed and hear a strange noise, and what do you do? You shiver down the spine, and cover with the sheet! Great! Are they bulletproof? If the bad guy comes with a knife won’t it be able to get through? Would the blade bend? Come on, please!

Or we have a look under the bed. Man, we already have some age! Furthermore, assuming there would be a murderer under the bed, looking straight to him, what’d be the point? He’ll kill you before!

Okay. Let’s imagine one day you finally find someone under the bed? What would you say?
—Goood niiight … So what? Killing, right?
—You see, doing something for a living.
—But man, get out there! You’re going to get cold. Come on, get up, you’d get asthma with so much fluff. Kill me in the bed, it’s more comfortable!

Another situation. You hear at night a strange noise and shuddering you get up, in briefs, and ask: “Someone there?” But do you really think if someone is there is going to reply you? Then you search the whole house and come to the conclusion that if someone is there the only place left is behind the bathroom door. What do you do? You poke out your head slowly, mostly because if someone is there he could welcome you better!

Another one. You are in a car and suddenly the driver begins to speed as if he were Mario Andretti, but without Mario and Andretti, and makes your blood run cold. What are you doing? You protect yourself: you grab the little plastic handle above the door! Now he can smash the car if he wants, you are holding the grip … In the same situation your mom would grab the handbag and put it on the lap, like an airbag!

And we can’t forget that along with our stupid reactions are those the body has on its own. One is shaking. If we hide behind a curtain, they won’t have trouble finding us, as if we were a fucking vibrating cell-phone.

Another stupid body reaction is to be paralyzed. A speeding car comes towards you and is about to run you over. Is that all your body can do?  Abso-fuckin-lutely petrify?

Or screaming. Sure, very logical. You’re frying eggs and the pan gets on fire, so what would you do? Yelling! You start screaming like crazy: “My eggs are burning!” And if someone else comes, joins you with the cries: “Your eggs are burning!» But what do you think? Could you kill the fire screaming? Man, please!

And finally, when you shit the pants [I’m not going to stir this one…].

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Being scared shitless – Dugutigui, on some ideas from the net.

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