I’m out on vacation for the next couple of weeks, without internet, mobile, or underpants … Probably I’ll miss you a little … but I have neither time nor inclination to write a new post at the height of my intelligent audience … so I leave you with a rerun …. and I promise to reply to all the comments … between mojito and mojito.
I once heard that Argentina is not better or worse than Spain, just younger. I liked that theory, so I invented a trick to calculate the age of a nation based on the «dog system».
In childhood, we were taught that to know whether a dog was young or old, we should multiply its biological age by 7. In the case of nations, one must divide their historical age by 14, to infer its “human” correspondence. Confusing?
In this article, I come out with some revealing examples.
Argentina was born in 1816; therefore she’s 190 years old. If we divide it by 14, Argentina is about 13 and a half «human» years old. In other words, she’s in the awkward age. Rebellious, bean-flicking, with short memory and rash answering, and has got acne grains all over (is that why they call her the “barn of the world”?).
Almost all Latin American countries are the same age and, as always in such cases, they join in gangs. The MERCOSUR gang is formed by four teenagers who have set a rock band. They rehearse in the garage, make plenty noise, but have not released an album yet… Venezuela, already with budding tits, is about to join them, as the choir. In fact, like most girls her age, she’s dying for sex, in this case with Brazil, who is 14 and (has) the largest member of the gang. Mexico is also a teenager, but with Indian ancestry. That’s why he laughs little and doesn’t smoke even a harmless joint, as the rest of his buddies do; instead, he chews peyote, and joins the United States, a mentally retarded of 17, who is devoted to bully starving 6 y. o. kids in other continents.
At the other extreme of the rope is the ancient China. Dividing her 1,200 years by 14, we get a granny of 85; conservative, with a funky cat pee smell, which spends her days eating rice because she has no money -yet- to buy a false denture. China has an 8 y. o. grandson, Taiwan, who makes her life miserable. She is long divorced of Japan, an old grouch which coupled with the Philippines, a young girl of dissolute life, always ready for any aberration in exchange for cash.
Then there are countries that have just turned the age of majority and go for a ride in the father’s BMW. For example Australia and Canada are the typical countries that grew under the protection of pop England and mom France, with a strict and snobbish upbringing and now they are acting fool. Australia is a tart just over 18, which practices topless and has sex with South Africa, while Canada is an emancipated gay who, at any time, could adopt baby Greenland to form one of those alternative families actually in vogue.
France is a 36-year separated woman, more slutzoar than the hens, but well respected in professional fields. She has a son, just 6 y. o.: Monaco, which is poised to be a hustler or a dancer … or both. She is the sporadic lover of Germany, a rich truck driver who is married to Austria, who knows she is being cheated on, but couldn’t care less.
Italy has been a widow for long. She lives for caring of San Marino and the Vatican, two catholic sons identical to the Flanders’ twins. She was married twice, the second with Germany (they did not last long, but got a baby: Switzerland), but nowadays she wants nothing with men. Italy would like to be a woman like Belgium, a lawyer, independent, wearing pants and talking politics face to face with men (Belgium sometimes also fantasizes on knowing how to prepare spaghetti).
Spain is the most beautiful woman in Europe (probably France could overshadow her, but she loses spontaneity because she is using way much perfume). She shows off the boobs a lot and almost always goes drunk. Frequently she gets screwed by England and then makes a complaint. Spain has children everywhere (almost all 13) which live far away. She does love them much, but she is not happy when they are hungry and come home to spend some time and raid the fridge…
Another who has children scattered everywhere is England. He sails at night, he screws around and nine months later a new island appears somewhere in the world. But he doesn’t ignore them. In general, the islands live with the mother, but England pays the child support.
Scotland and Ireland, England’s siblings living on the upper floor, are always drunk and they can’t even play soccer! They are the shame of the family.
Sweden and Norway are both 40 and both lez, have nice bodies regardless their age, but give ball to none. Just screwing and working, as they are graduated in something. They sometimes do a threesome with Holland (when they need a joint); other times, they become hysterical with Finland, which is an average androgynous of 30 years, who lives alone in an unfurnished attic and spends his time talking on the phone with Korea
Korea (the one in the south) spend her time watching out her schizoid northern sister. They are twins, but the northern one took a sip of amniotic fluid when she left the womb and ended up quite dense. She spent her childhood playing with guns and now, that she’s living alone, she is capable of anything. United States, the 17 year old dumbbell, monitors her closely, not for fear, but because he wants to take the guns away from her.
Israel is a 62 years scholar who has got a shitty life. A few years ago Germany, the truck driver, didn’t see him and run over him. Since that day Israel went ape. Now, instead of reading books, Israel spends the day on the terrace, throwing stones at Palestine, a girl who’s washing clothes in the house next door.
Iran and Iraq, both 16, were making their living by stealing bikes and selling parts, until the day they stole a truck’s part from the wrong guy, the U.S., and that was the end of their business. Now they are eating their snots.
The world was fine that way, until the day Russia joined (without wedding) the Perestroika and had as a dozen or so of children. All flimsy, some Mongols, most schizophrenics.
A few weeks ago, thanks to mayhem with bullets and corpses, serious people around the world have learned that there is a country called Kabardino-Balkaria. A country with a flag, president, anthem, flora, fauna … and even with people!
It makes me a bit scared that countries that young appear so suddenly. That we find out about them overhearing on next table conversation and then you have to put a face like “we already knew”, not to seem illiterate.
And I wonder: Why do countries continue to be born, if all of them are still not functioning?
The World, According To Casciari – Hernán Casciari (Buenos Aires, 1971)
In the “Diula” language in Mali, the term « dugutigui » (chief of the village), literally translated, means: «owner of the village»; «dugu» means village and «tigui», owner. Probably the term is the result of the contraction of «dugu kuntigui» (literally: chief of the village).
Ever wonder about those people who spend $4 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Evian isn’t even good water. It tastes like sh…. I prefer Volvic. Big 1.5 liter bottle 1 Euro.
I’m just now in a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit. 🙂 Could be Volvic 🙂
Thanks for your comment!
hahahahaha….. !!!! That was really good… 😀
I wonder what Romania is… 😛
I wonder what Romania is … Romania is like my jet lag right now, I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” So good night again 🙂
Oh my dear D…. I hope all was fine in the end… 😦
I think of you, I send you some positive energy. I hope you’ll have a fantastic day to compensate the bad night…
Hugs my friend. 😀
Let’s say I had a fantastic night to compensate a bad day 🙂 🙂
Hugging. That’s what people who love you do: they put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable. Hugs for you too! 🙂
Good, you deserve good days and nights. 😀 😀 😀
My most genuine hugs for you D, you are one of a kind my dear. ((HUGS)) 😀
I’m nodding to that with genuine synthetic sympathy 🙂 🙂
I know you are genuine, because you are charming. Charm is always genuine; some may think it’s superficial but it is never false. Genuine hugs for you 🙂
There’s nothing synthetic about me 😀 😆
Thank you D., you are much more charming than me, an enfant terrible(in this case la femme terrible) can be also embarrassing, not only charming 😛 😆 😆
I am the synthetic one, but I really appreciate you.
And I am not charming. Just a motherfuc..er with a birth certificate which is an apology from the condom’s factory 🙂
Yes you are charming. You are no mistake of nature dear, you are one of the good ones. 😉
Besides, there’s nothing synthetic about you also, because even when you say «FUCK» you say it genuinely.
You are such an unexpected and genuine person that if I only had a soul I’m sure I would have to feel quite guilty. We know, I don’t make people comfortable most of the time, but that’s what dumbasses are for 🙂
I think all you have me in high esteem, but the truth is I’ll never be the man my mother is. Hahahaha. I have to stop with these fucking mojitos, I believe … or not … Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication 🙂 🙂
😀 yes, maybe… love intoxication, drink intoxication, smoke intoxication… 😀 😀
I don’t know your mom (I try to imagine but my mind stops, I honestly think she must be a great woman for giving you such a wit and mind)…But I think I know you a bit, or more… so pass me one of those mojitos, it’s vegetarian stuff… 😆 😆 😆
I will not fall into that trap again … Hahahaha … I already discuss this point with you in the past, and my most accurate thought was the first part of “spooning leads to forking” … and you made me change the picture … hahahahaha. Don’t you know there ain’t no devil, it’s just god when he’s drunk.
A nice idea, to have you here drinking mojitos … When the air gets a bit too warm and the beaches beckon, there are a few things that come to mind that must be had immediately. Loose-fitting clothes or tight bathing suits must be matched with sunscreen and some body of water. Friends must be gathered and all must enjoy some sort of cool, refreshing drink to calm the warm embrace of the sun: Mojitooooosss!!!.
Well yes, please no vegetarian discussion, no God discussion, no bikini discussion, no spooning discussion…. 😆
For me just a simple genuine mojito please. 😀
Yes. I’m am not in the position to philosophize with you tonight … naked, drunk, and writing … shit! … where my inhibitions are … no idea … cheers my dear!
Yes. you are always in a position to philosophize with me any time, I don’t have inhibitions either.
So what is it that you want to talk about?
Cheers D. !!! 😀
About nothing. Just fine thinking we are sharing a drink. I’ve begun to realize that I can listen to silence and learn from it. Also I have to be careful, spell check is the enemy. Suddenly “cestrection” becomes “erection” instead of “construction”, and “honest family men were fighting for better wages to support all the work they put into erections … Hahahaha … Nothing … just silence … it’s so freaking loud!
😆 😆 😆 you always make me laugh…
Yes, drinking or smoking or even just breathing in silence can be bliss… 😀
I think I can’t float my boat tonight … sorry dear. I am done, these mojitos are like Photoshop for real life … gone wrong ….
This has been my first mojito ever, glad I shared it with you my friend. Good night dear. 🙂
la reflexión final tiene su miga ¿Por qué los países siguen naciendo, si todos ellos siguen sin funcionar?
una pregunta cuya respuesta puede no gustar.
Como decía Napoleón, en política, la estupidez no es una desventaja 🙂
Lo que la gente no acaba de “pillar” es que el primer deber de un hombre es pensar por sí mismo …
Muchas gracias por tu comentario.
Have a great trip!
Humanity has always conquered the flux of natural time by means of a rhythm between active and passive time-spans. To reconquer his holidays, to establish a new and better time schedule for life, has been the great endeavor of man ever since the days of Noah. I am on it…
Thanks for your comment!
Nothing like some time off to get the philosophizing up in high gear!
You dam right! Also the jet lag is helping … Hahahaha!
Thanks for your comment!
have a nice trip. Dugutigui
woo yes! surprised u typed chinese. ^.~
Thanks Google 🙂
haha yes~ 😉
Great article! I’m most sorry to hear that you are without underpants but I’m certain you’ll manage. BTW that photo of a puzzle sphere is AWESOME
Regarding the use of «loincloth» or not, long ago I realized that Adam’s sin was disobedience, not a carnal sin, and, three thousand years later, which was then the rule for peasant, poor, insignificant and ignorant people, living in the borders of the empire, is not going to decide my current behavior. I will not say that I behave like a hippie, but obviously for an Orthodox Jew I might be seem as spawn of the devil. 🙂
Thank you very much for the comment!
Thanks so much for the recent like on my blog posts. It led me to your blog, which I am now following.
I am embarrassed to admit that I haven’t traveled much outside of the U.S. I feel like I can live vicariously through your blog.
10Q for your comment!
In any case a person could be an expert in vicarious death. But I would like to be there to see how he enjoyed the real thing. I mean, travel not to go anywhere, but to go. Travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move. So please Nancy travel… 🙂
I love the post sir . A very astute analysis of the world today , but I have one small bone to pick … forgive my taking the liberty … the US , child though it may be, is still older than Australia and Canada , none the less foolish for it , but older just the same . Otherwise a very interesting commentary on the world . Highly entertaining , with much more than a grain of truth to it . Well done Sir .
Thank you for all the likes on my site . It is nice to see you back in the world of blogging .
You sir were one of my first followers when I started blogging a year ago and then within weeks decided to call a halt to your blogging endeavor and get a life . We are glad that you’ve returned to spare a little of your time away from real life to entertain us with such clever ideas fine and writing . Thanks , johngalt
Not only the US, but also China and some more… forgive me for the improvisation seeking more immediacy than correction 🙂 Let’s call it a literary license 🙂 Better than I truanted that class of history 🙂
I’m going to tell you the truth, so I don’t have to remember anything: I’ve returned to blogging because comments like yours 🙂 I know I am of one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever -I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one 20” container 🙂 🙂 and forgive me again, but I’m telling you the truth this time!
10Q for your comment!
interesting observation and comparison. I’ll agree with it
Well, just a little comedy. It’s funny how I can wrap my mind around things and fit them into my version of reality 🙂
Don’t we all.
Very creative in referring to the countries of the EU as women of different personalities. . . Enjoy your holidays !
Well, here we are approaching a Dionysian stance toward life, although not all pleasure, even in the realm of fantasy. There are also some frustration, anxiety and loneliness.
In other words, a full-blown holiday 🙂
A hug and thank you very much for the comment!
Reblogged this on The Blogging Path and commented:
Perfect description, as with other dysfunctional countries about which I’m still reading/learning. Following your blog!
Thank you very much for reblogging this post!
Re Philippines -now seriously-, the truth is the obscenities of this country are not the girls. It is the poverty which is obscene, and the criminal irresponsibility of the leaders who make this poverty a deadening reality. The obscenities in this country are the places of the rich, the new hotels made at the expense of the people, the hospitals where the poor die when they get sick because they don’t have the money either for medicines or services. It is only in this light that the real definition of obscenity should be made.
You know, I am as that guy in the corner in orange safety pants holding a protest sign and wearing a top hat. Or mentally disabled or the coolest fucking guy you will ever know. Probably the earlier 🙂
Thank you very much for your comment!
Very interesting analogies.
…analogies, it is true, decide nothing, but they can make one feel more at home.
Thank you very much for commenting!
inteligente entrada, y bueno andar desnudo es siempre placentero sin importar lo que eso implique. un abrazo
Respecto al uso del “taparrabos” o no, hace tiempo que me di cuenta que el pecado de Adán fue la desobediencia, no un pecado carnal y, tres mil años después, lo que hacía un pueblo campesino, pobre, insignificante e ignorante, en las fronteras del imperio, no va a marcar mi comportamiento actual. No voy a decir que me comporto como un hippie, pero evidentemente para un judío ortodoxo podría parecer un engendro del demonio. 🙂
Un abrazo y muchas gracias por el comentario.
Duguti, que tengas una excelentes vacaciones..!! Un abrazo..!!
Bueno, aquí estamos acercándonos a una postura dionisiaca ante la vida –todo lo contrario que Rajoy en el Vaticano 🙂 -, aunque no todo es placer, ni aun en el terreno de la fantasía. Hay también algo de frustración, angustia y soledad.
En otras palabras, unas vacaciones en toda regla 🙂
Un abrazo y muchas gracias por el comentario.
Regarding the creative: never assume you’re the master, only the student. Your audience will determine if you’re masterful. Thanks for the comment!
Wonderful holiday in a world full of magic!