We are so vain!
We geeks seem to have a peculiar attachment to quantifying things. I was about to headline this post as “The Horrors of Living Without Being Like-d”… See that “Like” button underneath the post? Do you know what I think of? There has to be more to life than just “like” and “follow”. I can understand wanting to provide a supportive environment for colleagues, but sometimes, a little criticism might not be a bad idea (if only I’d have a “auto-mute” button…), LOVINGLY ADMINISTERED, OF COURSE!
I want to make something of myself —I believe it’s called a statue—, and I love to get a Segan —a tribute to Carl Sagan and his catchphrase “billions and billions”— of “Likes” on each of my posts. Who doesn’t? … But … But I shudder to think how many BS buttons might have been hit on some of them! Probably many of these “srewollof” didn’t spend half nanocentury —two shakes of a lamb’s tail— reading the posts. As I believe integrity is telling myself the truth, and honesty is telling the truth to other people, I decided to put on my Columbo raincoat and sniff out the answer —although unlike in his episodes, I don’t have the previous “whodunit” element. So I had an idea: to publish an empty page —unlike posts they’re displayed on the blog front page— and see what is going on. I’ve been tempted, just tempted, but “timethief” did it here.
In brief. Lucy van Pelt is credited in the comic strip Peanuts to have discovered the axiom “happiness is a warm puppy”. The proposed SI unit of happiness, Puppy, is derivable as the quantity of happiness that a one kilogram beagle puppy whose body temperature is 310 Kelvin produces when held in skin contact for one second. In other words, all these fake “Likes” —they’re robbing my enjoyment…sigh!— don’t give me a damm Puppy!
I’d rather prefer fake comments from you: One of your observations [or one insult] would represent for me the equivalent to one Warhol —famous for 15 minutes—, and 1,000 remarks would be then a Kilowarhol. Or 10,42 days. A sort of metric “ten-day wonder”.
So I have finally chosen the following option represented by picture below:
All the above has been for the tricky bunch. Now you: Real guys. You followers that are the reason I sit down to rave everyday… well, almost everyday… alright, about twice a month. You’re who read my stuff, because you can’t wait to see what other gross things happen to my damaged brain. I LOVE YOU GUYS!! And I understand you do not always have the time or the desire to say something, to write a comment.
I’m making your life easier!
From today on, below each post, you will find a few types of “Likes” customized for the occasion, which you will only have to copy and paste into the comments section. This is not only intended to help in times of indecision or laziness, it also would help to prevent situations like this: If tomorrow I make a post commenting that my father has passed away, I couldn’t see very appropriate to have 105 Likes.
So, what new buttons would you like to see on this blog?
I show you below some Dugutigui’s ideas of “Like” buttons:
For good humor posts: Girls: “Coffee came out my nose.” Boys: “I pissed my pants.”
For bad humor posts: “Change the repertoire, or change followers.”
When my father passes away: “I appreciate this post.”
When I’ve rip off your post: “I just posted a piece about that same topic several hours ago and your post is funnier –thanks for making me look stoopid!”
For you lazy (1): “Read in full but too tired to comment.”
For you lazy (2): “Bored now.”
For you lazy (3): “Meh.”
For girls (1): “I like this post, I like you, and you’re also very attractive.”
For girls (2): “Call me.”
For you $#$%$# lazy: “Skimmed, bored, didn’t finish.”
For repentant: “I hit ‘submit’ on my comment, and a microsecond spotted my typo. I hate that.”
General purpose (liars): “I am having chest pains. Please call an ambulance.”
General purpose (1): “I’d love to leave a comment, but to be honest, your writing is so good I’m intimidated and scared and can’t come up with anything clever to leave as a comment to save my life so I’ll just copy & paste instead to play it safe, but to also let you know I am simultaneously in awe and very jealous of you.”
General purpose (2): “All the really clever comments have already been posted!
General purpose (3): “I have nothing new to add, but I read every $#$%$# word of this post and comments, so I want you to know I was here.”
For envious (1): “This was good… probably the last good thing you’ll write.”
For envious (2): “How is it possible you have more followers than me? Are they all your mother?”
For those who hate me (1): “WTF is your problem, A–hole?”
For those who hate me (2): “Not everyone should write a blog, you know.”
For those who hate me (3): “Here’s a link to ‘Hooked On Phonics.”
Less hateful: I thought it was great, but this guy reading over my shoulder thought it was sloppy, derivative, and clearly hastily written. Isn’t that guy rude?”
Less less hateful: “Yes, Totally Agree.”
Less less less hateful: “Brilliant.”
Less less less less hateful: “Bravo.”
For the mid-drinking: “Oh, man, I am hi-LAR-ious!”
For those who’re watching Bolivian porn: ”Detonate!”
In Spanish: “Chúpame el culo”
In Turkish: “Ananin amina kale kurar sabah aksam mac yaparim.”
In German: “Du verdammter arschficker.”
In French: “Sais-tu combien de temps ta mère prend pour chier? Neuf mois!”
In Indonesian: “Anda adalah hasil dari kondom rusak.”
In Bengali: “Pedo pundit.”
In Portuguese: “Vou-te cagar na boca.”
In Mandarin: “Wo cao ni ba bei zi zu zong.”
In Swahili: “Una tombwa na punda.”
As you can see, the possibilities are endless. Feel free to add your own…
Starting with next post, this will be the standard procedure. You won’t have any excuse left to not comment.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must go plunder the blogosphere for ideas I can rip off… (AND DON’T FORGET TO HIT THE DAMM LIKE BUTTON BELOW).
“Like” button – Dugutigui