no pain, no pain – (en) (revised)

NO PAIN, NO PAIN-Dugutigui-0
After months of feasibility assessments, and because of my sedentary work [and the consequent accumulation of fat everywhere], my company offered me one week personalized training service in a recognized gym. I didn’t thought about twice and gladly accepted it, going even in person to make my reservation. I was assigned a trainer named Susan, a voluptuous 26-yo instructor, sportswear model she could be… She told me that it would be very helpful to write down my experiences in a paper so I could see my progresses.
So I did, and I would like to share it with you
DAY 1
Got up at 6 am as scheduled! Pretty tough get out of bed to go a gym, but everything changed when I arrived and saw Susan waiting for me. She’s like a goddess, blond, green eyes and that big smile with spectacular fleshy lips.
We did a tour. She showed me the machines and after 5 minutes on the treadmill she checked my pulse. She was alarmed it was so fast. Me too, but I seize the opportunity to make her a compliment: I attributed it to her! She was wearing a Lycra mesh that got into her OMG…
I enjoyed watching her doing the aerobics after I finished this inspiring first day exercise. Susan kept me motivated to do my abs, though my paunch ached as shit.
DAY 2
After two cups of coffee I finally managed to leave the house. Susan made me lay on my back and I began to lift a heavy metal bar, and then she dared to put on… WEIGHTS!
On the treadmill my legs felt little wobbly, but I managed to complete a mile. Her approving smile (and a wink!!) made it all worthwhile. I feel fantastic! This is a new life!
GYM’S DIARY-Dugutigui-1
DAY 3
The only way to brush the teeth has been by fixing the toothbrush on the sink and shaking my head both sides over it. I think I got a hernia in my guts.
Nor driving has been easy, my limbs are as paralyzed, just breaking made me feel pain even in the hairs of my arse. I parked on top of a pizza delivery scooter… [*] Need to call the insurance co.
Susan seemed to me a bit impatient this morning. She considered my pain cries bothered other club members. The truth is that her voice is a little sharp at such early hours and becomes nasal when she rises it  … It’s quite annoying.
My balls burnt like hell when I was on the treadmill, so Susan switched me to the climber. I wonder why fuck someone invents such a machine to do something that has become obsolete with the use of elevators… She told me it would help to get in shape to fully enjoy life. Bullshit!
DAY 4
Susan was waiting with her fucking kryptonite eyes piercing me like x-rays and a mocking Joker-in-Batman smile.
I couldn’t help but being half hour late: it was the time it took me to tie the sneakers. The cocksucker put me to work with the dumbbells, but when distracted, I ran and hid in the bathroom. She sent another bimbo to find me, and as punishment she put me to work on the rowing machine… a fart heard all around the gym was beyond me. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. Bitch!
DAY 5
I hate that Susan cunt more than any other human being in the world. Fucking anemic, with those fake collagen lips, her fake oxygenated hair and her true airhead. If there would be a part of my body I could move I would kick her ass badly, fuck the she-dog who bore her too!
She wanted me to work on my triceps. Idiot! I DO NOT HAVE TRICEPS! And if you don’t want the gym’s floor smashed, don’t pass me the fucking bar or anything that weighs more than a sandwich…
The exercise bike made me pass out … to wake up in the stretcher of the dietitian, another farting anorexic cocksucker that gave me a lecture on healthy diets. The retard hasn’t the slightest fucking idea of what is to be starving.
Why I always get the creeps? Why not someone normal? Someone relaxed, as a master needlewoman, a stylist….
DAY 6
That fucking Susan dipshit left a message on the answering machine with her little asshole voice asking me why I wasn’t coming today. Just listen to her and I threw away the fucking phone, but then neither I had the strength to lift it nor to lift the TV remote control, so I’ve got 11 straight hours watching the same cable channel, National Geographic’s damn shit, one on mating little birds, and I didn’t fuck six days ago BECAUSE I CAN’T MOVE!…
DAY 7
I’m asking the Church van’s driver to come and pick me to go to mass, and thank God that this week is over. I also pray next year the company sends me to something a little more fun: a dentist appointment, a prostate checking…
.
No pain, no pain – by Dugutigui (Gym Tribulations, revised. (*) I don’t feel like writing today… so I just revised this old post)

.

LIKE BUTTON b

About Dugutigui

In the “Diula” language in Mali, the term « dugutigui » (chief of the village), literally translated, means: «owner of the village»; «dugu» means village and «tigui», owner. Probably the term is the result of the contraction of «dugu kuntigui» (literally: chief of the village).
This entry was posted in English, Humor and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

40 Responses to no pain, no pain – (en) (revised)

  1. where have i read this before you showed up on the scene?
    did you rip this off an email message making the rounds?
    did they rip you off and made an email message out of you posts?
    you best investigate.

    • Dugutigui says:

      I put on my Columbo raincoat and start sniffing out. First time I published first version in English and Spanish was on May 29, 2011 https://damantigui.wordpress.com/2011/05/29/gym-tribulations-%E2%80%93-en-es/
      So if it has been ripped afterwards, I don’t know. In any case I don’t believe too much in private property, much less in intellectual property, and, as I’m not planning to go published, to be massively ripped would be the closer to one kilowarhol I’d ever be🙂
      Also it’d be possible you read it here…🙂
      Closed case!
      Thanks for commenting!

  2. Sandee says:

    Where’s your ‘like’ button option? Hey — good luck. You crack me up!

    • Dugutigui says:

      Now is there…
      Tanks Sandee!

      • Mélanie says:

        it’s O.K., no problem, you’re THE Boss… btw, I love Bruce Springsteen…🙂
        * * *
        otherwise, I’m quite sure your story has been largely inspired from (your) reality…😉 I can imagine that “fuckin’ Susan”…😀 last but not least: if you’re more than 55, you’d better have a prostate check-up… we say in French:”il vaut mieux prévenir que guérir…” = prevention is better than cure…🙂 meanwhile, stay healthy, “cool” and optimistic, young man! cheers, Mélanie

      • Dugutigui says:

        Thanks Melanie. Hopefully the company sends me for a checking next year🙂 In any case we will get a death per capita… 🙂🙂

    • Dugutigui says:

      What? Aren’t you comming back to hit the damm button? Hahahahaha!!🙂🙂🙂

      • Sandee says:

        I don’t see no damn ‘like’ button! Well, guess I’ll just have to ‘like’ this one in my heart. Oh yeah, I see that bloody ‘like button’ — don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that — wait, no — don’t tell me.

      • Dugutigui says:

        Hahahaha! I won’t!
        You are da bomb Sandee, 10Q!

      • Mélanie says:

        hahaha back!🙂😉😀
        * * *
        ah, could you enlarge the letters of your texts/posts, por favor… they are really tiny, hard to read and follow… muchas gracias in advance, buenas tardes y hasta luego!🙂 friendly thoughts, Mélanie

      • Dugutigui says:

        Thank you very much Mélanie,
        My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice. Let’s broaden the definition of “enlarge”. You should fight like hell if you get attacked on the street, or in your home. The old thinking was submit, give in, maybe the guy will give you a break and not kill you. Now, maybe you will get raped, but least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you didn’t just lie down and take it. What I mean with all this BS? Have no idea!
        “Enlarge” yes.
        It won’t be a problem to change the font size of the text —you’re not the first who tells me, so you may be right. The only problem would be it would change the page style I’m using from post one. So superstition aside [first you make your habits, then your habits make you] we have to find a common ground, so each one of us agrees to disagree with whatever the other one agrees with, but if we both disagree with the same thing, aren’t we really in agreement?
        I mean [I think] if you are using a computer you just need to hold the “Ctrl” key and hit the “+” key until the font size is to your liking. After reading my post, to return to normal screen you hold the “Ctrl” and hit the “-” key. In this way myself I could continue with my superstitions and you could easily read the posts. If you are using an smartphone it could be even easier.
        Buenas tardes para ti y mil gracias por tus comentarios. ¡Eres excelente!

  3. puzzleblume says:

    *giggles* there are of some strengthened expressions in comparison, I like better than in the 2011-version but I miss the course of handcrafting, visions of moist clay, macrame and knitting alternative to the dentist’s or urologist’s treatments. ^^

    • Dugutigui says:

      Laughter or tears, that’s the question. Myself I prefer to laugh, less cleaning do to do afterward🙂 Somebody gets into trouble, then gets out of it again. Seems people love that story. They never get tired of it, so probably in the next chapter he will deal with handcrafting. It’s was hard to get from almost finished to finished as it will be to get from beginning to almost done, but I will try🙂 You deserve it!
      Thanks for your opinion!

      • puzzleblume says:

        Didn’t wanted to critisize, both versions have their merits. I like the new one and it was fun to compare, even with your spanish version, I can read, you know😉

      • Dugutigui says:

        I didn’t consider your comment as critics. Just the opposite: you give me the line for a new story of the gym’s man: he dealing now with handcrafting (which I really think has great possibilities to be humorous).
        On other had I like critics because I consider someone need a high degree of corruption or a very big heart to love absolutely everything. So, even when it hasn’t been the case with you, critics are always welcome!
        I know, many told me, my writing is quite cryptic sometimes, but I rarely write comments with second meaning. I love my readers!!!🙂

  4. ane says:

    🙂🙂🙂 I like your humor,I hope it’s not true🙂

  5. dalo2013 says:

    Hilarious…great read for the morning.

  6. Riaan says:

    Your a classic!

  7. puzzleblume says:

    Just added “Like No. 8” to this posting, just because I can😉
    This is what I meant with my reply on your comment on my blog.
    The reader plays it all without any deepening efforts in , the readers are the ones, who were flabbergasted and I don’t like that :-/

    • Dugutigui says:

      I understand your point. In any case I’d continue this new approach. No “like” button. The fact is I have the same number of visitors in this post I usually have every time I publish something, but the disappearance of the “likes”, has relaxed me in a way. A partial relax. Partial, because many people have been encouraged to comment, which means additional work (monumental in some cases). But certainly more fun than counting likes🙂
      Thanks for your comment!

  8. amberafrica says:

    Very funny!

  9. sknicholls says:

    Isn’t it funny that you start these things with the best of intentions, and they sort of crumble away. How do people do this every day? Some are so obsessed that they actually make a living out of it.

  10. monicasicoe says:

    good idea to write down🙂 but I am sure you were advised to write about the experience of working out not about the instructor. but i agree, it is better like that

  11. mooonalila says:

    I reckon we have the same devotion for sport.🙂
    L-I-K-E !😉

  12. Himani B says:

    I love how your wit spills in every line. enjoyed reading this Daman🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s