Chris and fray Juan were nursing a stout downtown Madrid, when a girl on skates left a flyer on their table plank: “Ten reasons to holiday in terra incognita. Help out an undiscovered world with your tourist cash”.
They got very excited, and wanted to sail immediately to the pathless Caribbean… “Wow! We could bring them our superior culture: small mirrors, syphilis, inquisition, private property, necklaces of colors, and opium … I mean religion, in exchange for their gold”… But the two buddies realized they had some minor limitations: First, no one damm maravedíe in their saddlebags. Second, fray Juan –in disregard of the sacred canons, have some illegitimate children as those procreated in incest and in nefarious nuptial, by a woman with whom, according to sacerdotal regulation, he may not cohabit, but he cohabited.
Fray Juan Pérez reported her…
“Why you have to go? Why don’t they send another? Are you the dumbest in office? Everything you’re looking for is round! You don’t even know my family and you want to discover the new world! What are you hiding? You don’t even tell me where you’re going! And only men are traveling? Who is going to believe that? And why I can’t go myself, if you’re the boss? I never had holidays. Bastard… you do not know what to fabricate to be away from home. If you cross that door, I’m going with my mother! Scoundrel! And who’s that Saint Mary? A Saint? Why is she Painted? You say it’s also a Girl? … Fuck you! … Perverted! Damn man, always randy! You had it all planned out, scoundrel! Surely you’ve sent already an e-mail to those Indian hookers. Why you deceive me? The Queen will sell her jewelry to pay for the ticket? You think I’m stupid, or what? Who knows what you have with the old hen! I won’t let you go anywhere! You always manage to leave me alone! Nothing is going to happen if the world continues flat … So don’t get dress … YOU WON’T GO!”
Minor became major, and he didn’t, but Christopher Columbus was SINGLE and therefore could discover America!
Paris, Amsterdam, Rome, Venice and Stockholm were discovered in 1975 by me (who also had discovered New York in 1973), and in 1976 I also found London, Antwerp and Brussels. However, outside of a few of my faxes –and a traffic fine, I have not found any other text talking about such interesting discoveries. I guess weighed in favor of this deafening silence that when I first came to these illustrious cities there were enough people in them. But this is another story…
So … brother Juan –already in the drydock, went to confess the Queen, and after 3 Hail Maries, 4 Cunnilingus, and 2 Our Fathers, got the cash. And Columbus his boletus for one ocean caravel cruise to the new world.
After an uneventful trip, in which he spent most of the time at the pool of the cruise sipping margaritas, the waiter, Alonso Pinzon, told him they had already arrived, to which Columbus commented that he already knew, to avoid to tip.
On Thursday, October 12 [12/10/1492 03:20:20 PM], put ashore, he saw very green trees and water and fruits of many different shapes. Columbus called the Captain –and a Viking-Spanish-Viking translator, who jumped on land. Then many people of the Caribbean island gathered around them.
These that follow are the words of the discoverer, which can be read in his Galaxy’s ColorNote app (Pardo Museum, Madrid), of his first navigation and discovery of these Indies:
—I’m –says he–… Colon, and come to colonize you.
—Fuck! Thankfully he is not called Sodom –whispered one indigenous.
—What’s with this guy? –whispered another.
—He says his name’s Colon and is coming to discover us.
—He will help us with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education, social security … anything that’s needed –shouted other.
«Isn’t that amazing? He comes up with a domestic agenda … and it’s for the new world. Maybe we could bring that to Spain if it works out» –the Captain thought.
—And what is the sword for, master? –asked a smartass who had a wooden ceremonial mask, in which the eyes were made of Chinese coins, coins with a small hole in the centre, with Chinese inscriptions referring to Buddha. In other words, a wetback YAP (Young Asian Professional), disguised as a Maya handicraftsman, who had arrived there a couple of months earlier in the stowage of a freighter.
—If you’re brown, you’re going down! –answered sourly Columbus.
—What is he saying? –asked a hard of hearing indigenous woman.
—I’m not sure, but they’re asking if we have weapons of mass destruction…
—يا القرف نحن !مارس الجنس! (Oh shit! We’re fucked!) –the woman said, joining hands in a prayer to Allah.
—U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in here. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this? –said Columbus.
—Let’s change the subject –said the translator–, they thank us for the small mirrors and colorful necklaces, but they would prefer Spanish passports and citizenship.
—Me too –the YAP pointed…
(it may continue…)
The discovery of America – By Dugutigui