divorce (in stereo) – (en)

Divorce
Ela ( http://memyselfandela.wordpress.com ) asked me to write a joint post. This is our work: Something as a newly divorced informal guide.
Hope you enjoy it.
…oooOOOooo…
You have given her the best years of your life, yet at the end she never seemed to understand you at all. And being unhappy made you think of all the good times you used to share and wonder why the hell you now feel like trapped in an endless nightmare. You don’t dream much, and even when you do it’s all about the things you’d love to still do, but cannot because of being married. Un-happily ever after.
If you’d have to make the top ten of what you dream to do again it would sure sound like this:
1. Sleep without being waken up every 5 minutes because you snore too loud.
2. Be able to buy all you want without arguing with her about prices.
3. Being able to watch the football finale and peacefully drink your beer.
4. Being able to go only with the kids in the amusement park and actually have loads of fun.
5. Spend time with the boys without hearing her complain about the chores not done.
6. Leave the pile of dirty dishes in the sink without having a scandal in the end.
7. Flirting with the hot chick next door without worrying about your wife.
8. Go out in the clubs like in the good old times and get back drunk and happy early in the morning.
9. Getting lay as often as you want, no strings attached.
10. Finally enjoy your freedom you never had with your parents, never had afterwards, never had with her, and keep it.
Sin título
My share of this joint post is aimed to the people that had never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.
Railing about nothing. Getting pissed-off over anything and everything. Day by day, year by year, grinding. Goading. Endless goading. It became a cheap contest. And once you got into it, it became habitual. You couldn’t seem to get out. You almost didn’t want to get out. And then you did get out. All the way. Your partner has thrown a plastic bag with some underwear and the toothbrush and put you on the street. Is it your fault, his/her or the government? Doesn’t matter! Nothing really wrong! Hell, you wouldn’t even failed with your partner. The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some. OK. The fact is that you return to live alone. Or with your mother. You got all the freedom, but curiously your morale is at rock bottom. You have back your freedom, and you don’t want it. Your new status:
DIVORCED.
So now what?
I’m not going to advice you on what to do after you face the inevitable question: is there life after divorce? No, I’m not. My only advice for a person who’s just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, flap your arms…faster. I’d rather share some (ten) ideas about what not to do…
1. Always remember never to use two words: always and never.
2. Marry or merry? Single people either get boring, or they stay divorced.
3. Don’t whish the death of your ex. They never die when you want them to.
4. If you found your partner in bed with the milkman, it won’t work that you never take milk in the tea.
5. Avoid negative thoughts as: If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex, what do you do with the lumber?
6. Don’t plan a divorce party. A divorce party… is that really better than a wedding party?
7. In the future don’t trust your pastor anymore. Pastor McFucking Bride this … Pastor McFucking Bride that. Fuck him!
8. Do not think you’re a unique case, a disgrace with two legs. No, you were unfaithful and so was your partner, just like any other normal couple.
9. Do not drink bleach.
10. Do not wait 15 days to bring laundry to your mom’s home.
Bonus: Don’t believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose.
.
Divorce (in stereo) – By Ela and Dugutigui

About Dugutigui

In the “Diula” language in Mali, the term « dugutigui » (chief of the village), literally translated, means: «owner of the village»; «dugu» means village and «tigui», owner. Probably the term is the result of the contraction of «dugu kuntigui» (literally: chief of the village).
This entry was posted in English, Humor, Writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to divorce (in stereo) – (en)

  1. Awesome!!!
    Thank you for this joined post, D. It has been a pleasure.😀

  2. El Guapo says:

    Being happily married is the smallest minority I’ve ever been a member of.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s