tetas & tits – (en/es)

tetas&tits
By Universal Suffrage (and only for conversational purposes) God exists. And by double-entry …
Maybe shocking for you dwelling in the northern hemisphere, in my current southern toft, with the recent arrival of the dog days, are flourishing, as promising forefront of tender times, two things that are part of life itself: Boobs –all of as have sucked one, and some of us have even had some in the hand! Even from a woman!
As I was saying… tits here, boobs out there, bumpers everywhere… to lose presence of mind… just imagining the unique dance: up, down, to the flank … and in all categories: large, fallen, nonexistent, pear, old bag, stylized, harmonic, melon, cinematographic, pimple, round, sketch, operated, small, natural, donkey, elongated, tube, panoramic, cross-eyed, plump, pigeon, plank, conic, hairy, convergent, apple, fried eggs, iron, lemon, toned, divergent, sock, and –the ones I like most– perfect.
Like miniature electric trains they were originally designed for children, but adults are the most to play with them. I can not attach indicators of “tit per capita”, i.e.: the number of pounds of boobs that would be assigned to a human not homosexual male over one natural or business year, but I think in this country they will get out of hand. Yes, “Boobs” is the fourth most searched word on the Internet. I have contributed a lot to create this statistic. Guess which one is the first …
They are also largely responsible –along with alcohol– of increasing world population and global warming in recent times, mainly due to their recent and increasingly frequent television appearances.
And they help to study, as Pedro Mairal says: “When I was in second year of high school, I took to March Language and Literature and I had to take parsing private lessons with a teacher coming home. Her name was Teresa. I was fifteen and she was not more than twenty-five. It was December and it was hot. Teresa used to came home with a lousy muscle shirt, without bra. One day, sitting together, leaning against the sentences to analyze, I saw through the neckline her boobs, the tit’s ends, the pink nipples. I felt a violent disturbance, as if all the blood braked suddenly and began to flow backwards. She noticed it and settled back the t-shirt without worrying too much, letting the same thing happen again several times. I took more classes, studied hard and gave a very good exam. I never forgot the syntactic structures of Teresa. The clandestine lightning of her twenty-something tits gave an eroticism to the matter that any college professor ever achieved to instill.”
The World is a place full of tits. They aim you from the TV, on the subway, in the cinema, in the bars at the wee hours, in the odd pages of the newspapers. Soon the World will be like in that movie of Woody Allen in which the tits escaped from the zoo and attack people, and Pamela Anderson, a mythological creature, will be their Commander-in-Tit… sorry, in-Chief.
Finally, one of the things I’ve learned by reading women’s magazines is that men are prone to ‘monotheism’. In a back issue of Glamour magazine, dozens of female readers were wondering the same thing: Why this mania of men to squeeze together the boobs creating a single large supertit? So far no one had the answer.
Ladies, if we put the tits this way is just to paw them (and there was light).
tetas&tits1
Por Sufragio Universal (y solo por conversar) Dios existe. Y por partida doble…
Tal vez chocante para los que habitáis el hemisferio norte, en mis actuales lares australes, con la reciente llegada del estío, florecen como prometedora avanzadilla de tiempos más tiernos dos cosas que forman parte de la vida misma: las tetas –todos hemos chupado de una, e incluso algunos de nosotros ¡hemos tenido alguna en la mano! ¡Incluso la de una mujer!
Como decía… tetas por aquí, lolas por allí, bubis por doquier… de perder el sentido… con solo imaginar el movimiento único: para arriba, para abajo, para el costado… y de todas las categorías: grandes, caídas, inexistentes, pera, de vieja, estilizadas, armónicas, melón, cinematográficas, grano, redondas, esbozo, operadas, pequeñas, naturales, burras, alargadas, tubo, panorámicas, bizcas, turgentes, de paloma, tabla, cónicas, con pelo, convergentes, manzana, huevo frito, de hierro, limón, tonificadas, divergentes, calcetín, y –las que más me gustan– perfectas.
Al igual que los trenes eléctricos en miniatura, originalmente fueron ideadas para niños, pero son los adultos los que más juegan con ellas. No puedo adjuntar indicadores de “teta per cápita”, esto es: el número de kilos de teta que le pertenecerían a un macho humano no homosexual a lo largo de un año hábil o natural, pero creo que en este país nos salimos. Eso sí, “Teta” es la cuarta palabra más buscada en Internet; yo he contribuido mucho a esta estadística. Adivina cual es la primera…
También son las principales responsables –junto con el alcohol– del aumento de la población mundial y del calentamiento global durante los últimos tiempos, debido sobre todo a sus recientes y cada vez más frecuentes apariciones en televisión.
Y ayudan en el estudio, como comenta Pedro Mairal: “Cuando estaba en segundo año del secundaria, me llevé a marzo Lengua y Literatura y tuve que tomar clases particulares de análisis sintáctico con una profesora que venía a casa. Se llamaba Teresa. Yo tenía quince años y ella no pasaba de los veinticinco. Era diciembre y hacía calor. Teresa venía a casa con unas musculosas sueltas, sin corpiño. Un día, sentados juntos, inclinados frente a las oraciones para analizar, le vi a través del escote las tetas, las puntas de las tetas, los pezones rosados. Sentí una alteración violenta, como si se me frenara toda la sangre de golpe y me empezara a fluir en la dirección opuesta. Ella se dio cuenta y se acomodó la musculosa sin preocuparse demasiado, dejando que volviera a pasar lo mismo varias veces. Tomé más clases, estudié mucho y di un muy buen examen. Nunca me olvidé de las estructuras sintácticas de Teresa. El relámpago clandestino de sus tetas veinteañeras le dio un erotismo a la materia que ningún profesor del colegio lograría infundir jamás”.
El mundo es un lugar lleno de tetas. Te apuntan desde la tele, en el metro, el cine, en los bares a las tantas de la madrugada, en las páginas impares de los periódicos. Pronto el mundo será como en aquella película de Woody Allen en que las tetas se escapaban de los zoológicos y atacaban a la gente, y Pamela Anderson –una criatura mitológica– será su Comandante en Tetas… digo en Jefe.
Para terminar, una de las cosas que he aprendido leyendo revistas femeninas es que los hombres somos propensos al ‘monoteísmo’. En un número atrasado de la revista Glamour, decenas de lectoras se preguntaban por lo mismo: ¿Por qué esa manía de los hombres de juntarnos las tetas, creando un único y gran supertetón?
Hasta ahora nadie tenía la respuesta.
Señoras, si juntamos las tetas es solo por sobarlas (y se hizo la luz).
.
Tetas & Tits – Dugutigui

About Dugutigui

In the “Diula” language in Mali, the term « dugutigui » (chief of the village), literally translated, means: «owner of the village»; «dugu» means village and «tigui», owner. Probably the term is the result of the contraction of «dugu kuntigui» (literally: chief of the village).
This entry was posted in English, Español, Humor, Politically Incorrect Language and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to tetas & tits – (en/es)

  1. El Guapo says:

    Wouldn’t the per capita of breasts (barring hideous accidents/surgeries) be 200% for the entire population?
    And of course, breasts…mmm…..

    • Dugutigui says:

      I can not say because I have not at hand that statistic … in any case I think it depends on the country … Do you know what I wonder? I wonder are there more tits per capita at the equator or the North Pole? These are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone and the power goes out.

      I wonder are there more tits per capita at the equator or the North Pole? I mean per capita, I know the populations are different. Most people think it’s the equator, I think it’s the North Pole. People think it’s the equator because it’s hot down there, they don’t wear a lot of clothing, guys can see women’s tits, they get horney and there’s a lot of fucking going on.

      That’s exactly why there’s less tits per capita at the equator. Because there’s a lot of fucking going on. You can tell there’s a lot of fucking at the equator, take a look at the population figures. Billions of people live near the equator. How many Eskimos do we have? Thirty? Thirty five? No one’s getting laid at the North Pole, it’s too fucking cold. Guys say to their wives, “hey tonight honey, huh, tonight, huh?” “Are you crazy? The wind chill factor is three hundred below.” These guys are deprived. Their horney. Their pent up. Every now and then…p-pmm…they bust out, they got to get somebody’s tits.

      These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

  2. We are also responsible for the global warming?… Wow, I had no idea….😛😆😆😆
    Good article, D.😉

    • Dugutigui says:

      🙂🙂🙂🙂 Every joke needs one exaggeration. Every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion. Give you an example.
      Did you ever see a news story like this in the paper? Every now and then you run into a story, says, “Some guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and while he was in there, he raped an 81 year old woman.”
      And I’m thinking to myself, “WHY??? What the fuck kind of a social life does this guy have?” I want to say, “why did you do that?” “Well she was coming on to me. We were dancing and I got horney. Hey, she was asking for it, she had on a tight bathrobe.” I’ll say, “Jesus Christ, be a little fucking selective next time will you?”🙂🙂🙂🙂

      • 😛 it’s true that they exagerate a lot in the news…
        I guess there are few things that would get maximum attention: children, animals, breasts…🙂😆

      • Dugutigui says:

        Breast are important… Few things are more mouth-filling –to name them– than the boobs. It’s nice to call them by their name or nicknames. (Twitter turned, for a couple of days, a little of deserved celebration of breasts and their synonyms. Alas, the harvest was meager…).🙂🙂
        After all these centuries, this syllable still cause some stinging. Surprisingly, as tits are in the Book of Job (translation of Fray Luis: “For what it anticipate me knees? For what I sucked tits?”), In Don Quixote (several, like the “long face tits” of Barbara aka Zenobia, and the “big boobs” of the Galician girl) and even in the General History of the Indies (1538) of prim Lopez de Gomara (“There are many sodomite, that do not take them much to be all woman, but tits and give birth”). And, of course, poems and poems buried under great pairs of tits like this pornsonnet by argentine poet Ramón Paz:

        There are days that tits pursue me
        as from November above all
        tits provoke me in their own way
        look for me and point me and follow me
        with heat lean out, accrue
        flood, excel in high
        with their plural power and their courage
        tits in November torment me
        fill all of thirst and go triumphant
        perch on the air, and to the mammal
        pounce so much cleavage, so deadly
        it hurts so much life in front
        that I want to die cornered
        and for a great pair of tits buried.

      • 😆😆😆 I’ve NEVER EVER heard such a passion for tits, D. This here sounds almost like the apologetics of breasts… Of course, you made me laugh again…😀😆😆

      • Dugutigui says:

        It was part of the post, but I did not include it for that very reason: because “someone” would have thought that my love for them risks degenerating into obsession… the true is when you have seen as much of life/tits as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love for them🙂🙂🙂
        But I don’t think I’m obsessed, it’s just that I believe that even when I’m dead, I’ll swim through the Earth, like a vampire of the soil, just to be next to some boobs… hahahahahaha!!! You know… all extremes of feeling are allied with madness🙂🙂🙂

      • I never said you were obsessed!!!! And we are not talking about madness here…
        I am old enough to know that each human being has some things that they love very much… I would call it passion.😉🙂🙂

      • Dugutigui says:

        Time for the truth… I had this post in my head for a while, just for the success of another on the same subject published in Spanish long ago and -thanks to Google- always on the top of the most read. Yesterday I decided to wait no longer, because with the life I’m having now, soon I won’t remember what it’s all about… 🙂🙂🙂

      • hehehe, welcome to the club of the very stressed…😛
        Great idea to translate it, though I must say, long time ago I read a post about “tits” on your blog… Maybe the one in Spanish…
        I guess I am one of the good readers…😀😀😀

      • Dugutigui says:

        You are🙂🙂🙂
        Thanks for that!!

      • 😆 Cirp, cirp…😉
        Thank you too, D. It’s my pleasure.🙂

      • Dugutigui says:

        BTW I didn’t translate it. This one is completely fresh.

    • BTW, I was also a Super Mario freak at some point…😆
      I really love that game, even though I will never have again the time or patience to play like I used to…😉😀

  3. dinkerson says:

    I remember those days, when the blood braked and flowed backward. Okay, in all honesty, it still happens.
    Great post. I wondered if it was a translation or if it was fresh.

    • Dugutigui says:

      You are lucky… I don’t remember a shit🙂🙂🙂 Luckier if still happens…
      I don’t remember either half the crap from high school … but I know all of Super Mario Worlds secrets. Nintendo should had handled my education… Hahahaha!
      It’s fresh, but you gave me yesterday the last push to work on it. Thank you very much!

  4. sweetoothjames says:

    Women’s tits and Nintendo? Not really my thing. I was more into women’s butts and Sega. Still, it takes all sorts to make a world…🙂
    Nice article as always Dugutigui

  5. Haha this is hilarious!

    • Dugutigui says:

      What is hilarious is the world going crazy, when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and three of most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more? Hahahaha🙂

  6. Fay Moore says:

    You are incorrigible, which is what makes you so intriguing. Thank you for the giggle.

    • Dugutigui says:

      Intriguing… like a new toy? or like a new car? Everything is different… the smell, the sound of the horn and the seats, and it even ride good for a while….🙂
      Thanks for commenting!!

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