Biloxi’s Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary stolen and replaced by an Action Man
Ocean Springs, near the scene but much more comfortable, Mississippi. Three months! Three months have passed since the Biloxi’s Cathedral was attacked by robber barons. These crooks walked away with the XIX century carving substituting it by an Action Man Ski Patrol toy without anyone noticing the theft. Since that day, thousands of pilgrims have paid their devotion to the beautiful PVC war figure and hardly notice any change.
Although all the alarms went ape during the night of the incident the security guards attributed the noises to rodents, three rodents six feet and Eastern European accent (in the words of one employee), without giving any ball to what happened. However, weeks later, while a couple of locals walked their child under the figure, the mystery was revealed: “As we approached I already thought there was something different. Virgin Mary carried a submachine gun and some skis” – says James Rodriguez, father of the child – “but I attributed it to marketing things” […] “When later the boy pushed a button on the breastplate of the virgin and she let out a guttural I AM ACTION MAN, GET READY TO DIE DOCTOR X, it seemed so weird to be the first words of a virgin that I alerted the organization of the church.”
Said and done, three weeks after completing the paperwork, the Fast-Acting Brigade for Patrimonial Emergencies of the Board of Culture appeared by the Cathedral and, after two months of careful study, they managed to assert – with 85% chance – that indeed the famous figurine corresponded to that of the plastic action hero and not the Late Gothic sculpture.
So, while waiting for the recovery of the iconic figure, Mississippians are modifying their traditions, whistling now “Lux Aeterna” because they feel that the Marian chants don’t fit well anymore, and are preparing a new design of the mantle of flowers in some guerrilla dun-camouflage.
Furthermore, it’s suspected that the same gang may have replaced the NYC Church of Saint Mary’s icon by a Doctor-X, but the parish has unanimously decided not to report it, saying they like the look of the mustache and the eye patch on their new worship object.
Criminal-redneck-collar-hit – Dugutigui’s free adaptation of a text by El Jueves