the world, according to casciari (re) – (en)

I once heard that Argentina is not better or worse than Spain, just younger. I liked that theory, so I invented a trick to calculate the age of a nation based on the “dog system”.
In childhood, we were taught that to know whether a dog was young or old, we should multiply its biological age by 7. In the case of nations, one must divide their historical age by 14, to infer its “human” correspondence. Confusing?
In this article, I come out with some revealing examples.
Argentina was born in 1816; therefore she’s 190 years old. If we divide it by 14, Argentina is about 13 and a half “human” years old. In other words, she’s in the awkward age. Rebellious, bean-flicking, with short memory and rash answering, and has got acne grains all over (is that why they call her the “barn of the world”?).
Almost all Latin American countries are the same age and, as always in such cases, they join in gangs. The MERCOSUR gang is formed by four teenagers who have set a rock band. They rehearse in the garage, make plenty noise, but have not released an album yet… Venezuela, already with budding tits, is about to join them, as the choir. In fact, like most girls her age, she’s dying for sex, in this case with Brazil, who is 14 and (has) the largest member of the gang. Mexico is also a teenager, but with Indian ancestry. That’s why he laughs little and doesn’t smoke even a harmless joint, as the rest of his buddies do; instead, he chews peyote, and joins the United States, a mentally retarded of 17, who is devoted to bully starving 6 y. o. kids in other continents.
At the other extreme of the rope is the ancient China. Dividing her 1,200 years by 14, we get a granny of 85; conservative, with a funky cat pee smell, which spends her days eating rice because she has no money -yet- to buy a false denture. China has an 8 y. o. grandson, Taiwan, who makes her life miserable. She is long divorced of Japan, an old grouch which coupled with the Philippines, a young girl of dissolute life, always ready for any aberration in exchange for cash.
Then there are countries that have just turned the age of majority and go for a ride in the father’s BMW. For example Australia and Canada are the typical countries that grew under the protection of pop England and mom France, with a strict and snobbish upbringing and now they are acting fool. Australia is a tart just over 18, which practices topless and has sex with South Africa, while Canada is an emancipated gay who, at any time, could adopt baby Greenland to form one of those alternative families actually in vogue.
France is a 36-year separated woman, more slutzoar than the hens, but well respected in professional fields. She has a son, just 6 y. o.: Monaco, which is poised to be a hustler or a dancer … or both. She is the sporadic lover of Germany, a rich truck driver who is married to Austria, who knows she is being cheated on, but couldn’t care less.
Italy has been a widow for long. She lives for caring of San Marino and the Vatican, two catholic sons identical to the Flanders’ twins. She was married twice, the second with Germany (they did not last long, but got a baby: Switzerland), but nowadays she wants nothing with men. Italy would like to be a woman like Belgium, a lawyer, independent, wearing pants and talking politics face to face with men (Belgium sometimes also fantasizes on knowing how to prepare spaghetti).
Spain is the most beautiful woman in Europe (probably France could overshadow her, but she loses spontaneity because she is using way much perfume). She shows off the boobs a lot and almost always goes drunk. Frequently she gets screwed by England and then make a complaint. Spain has children everywhere (almost all 13) which live far away. She does love them much, but she is not happy when they are hungry and come home to spend some time and raid the fridge…

Another who has children scattered everywhere is England. He sails at night, he screws around and nine months later a new island appears somewhere in the world. But he doesn’t ignore them. In general, the islands live with the mother, but England pays the child support.
Scotland and Ireland, England’s siblings living on the upper floor, are always drunk and they can’t even play soccer!  They are the shame of the family.
Sweden and Norway are both 40 and both lez, have nice bodies regardless their age, but give ball to none. Just screwing and working, as they are graduated in something. They sometimes do a threesome with Holland (when they need a joint); other times, they become hysterical with Finland, which is an average androgynous of 30 years, who lives alone in an unfurnished attic and spends his time talking on the phone with Korea
Korea (the one in the south) spend her time watching out her schizoid northern sister. They are twins, but the northern one took a sip of amniotic fluid when she left the womb and ended up quite dense. She spent her childhood playing with guns and now, that she’s living alone, she is capable of anything. United States, the 17 year old dumbbell, monitors her closely, not for fear, but because he wants to take the guns away from her.
Israel is a 62 years scholar who has got a shitty life. A few years ago Germany, the truck driver, didn’t see him and run over him. Since that day Israel went ape. Now, instead of reading books, Israel spends the day on the terrace, throwing stones at Palestine, a girl who’s washing clothes in the house next door.
Iran and Iraq, both 16, were making their living by stealing bikes and selling parts, until the day they stole a truck’s part from the wrong guy, the U.S., and that was the end of their business. Now they are eating their snots.
The world was fine that way, until the day Russia joined (without wedding) the Perestroika and had as a dozen or so of children. All flimsy, some Mongols, most schizophrenics.
A few weeks ago, thanks to mayhem with bullets and corpses, serious people around the world have learned that there is a country called Kabardino-Balkaria. A country with a flag, president, anthem, flora, fauna … and even with people!
It makes me a bit scared that countries that young appear so suddenly. That we find out about them overhearing on next table conversation and then you have to put a face like “we already knew”, not to seem illiterate.
And I wonder: Why do countries continue to be born, if all of them are still not functioning?
.
The World, According To Casciari – Hernán Casciari (Buenos Aires, 1971) – Translated by Dugutigui

About Dugutigui

In the “Diula” language in Mali, the term « dugutigui » (chief of the village), literally translated, means: «owner of the village»; «dugu» means village and «tigui», owner. Probably the term is the result of the contraction of «dugu kuntigui» (literally: chief of the village).
This entry was posted in English, Humor, Politics, Travel, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

70 Responses to the world, according to casciari (re) – (en)

  1. lukmanandiuleng says:

    This is great!

    • Dugutigui says:

      Thank you so much…🙂

      • lukmanandiuleng says:

        Btw it’s great to know that someone else is interested in the world. Most people don’t care.

      • Dugutigui says:

        I am an expat for the past 20 years, so I have no choice but to see the world differently after working in 26 countries and traveling in about 55 … and still counting …🙂

      • lukmanandiuleng says:

        I am so jealous! My dream was to be a diplomat when I was a kid, weird ay?! Seriously I am very jealous, 26 countries is a lot, compared to me, only two. For now I’m just moving around Australia and making this blog to make up for lack of international travel, jajajajajaja

      • Dugutigui says:

        How old are you?

      • lukmanandiuleng says:

        23

      • Dugutigui says:

        If it’s any consolation, at your age I only knew about 3 or 4 countries…🙂

      • Dugutigui says:

        And you are very diplomatic already … this is clear when I read your posts🙂

      • lukmanandiuleng says:

        Muchas gracias! I did some research the closest country I can find to my age is Oman. The only way I can relate it to myself is that like me has lots of potential to become something great yet has not managed to get enough attention in modern times but had some a while back. Also the country is reasonably stable, and I like to think I am but I’m too crazy and inconsistent sometimes! Only downside I’m not as conservative as little Oman!

      • Dugutigui says:

        Why don´t you try Madagascar?
        I’m sure you’ll love this country and this will be a good start …

  2. Silving says:

    What an imagination you have. I didn’t relate to any of them (did you?) ,I didn’t find mine. But maybe better like this😀.

    • Dugutigui says:

      Note there are 196 Countries in the World … on Jan 26 2012.
      It would be a never-ending post and probably some new would appear in the meantime…
      Yours will come in a sequel …
      Promised my nice lady🙂
      I’m from Spain working (now) in Argentina…

      • Silving says:

        and I belong to 2 european countries😉 one of them- the mother country- is latin,but not many know that, do you?😉

      • Dugutigui says:

        I have no idea but I’m intrigued …
        Do not leave me this way …🙂

      • Silving says:

        it’s between slave countries,that’s why most of people think it’s the same and one of them.And it’s by the Black Sea.If you still don’t know, then I will tell you,but it’s not that complicated😀.

      • Dugutigui says:

        Then we have Bulgaria, Georgia, Romania, Russian Federation, Turkey and Ukraine… the only Latin country among them… should be Romania…

  3. giuliasfootprints says:

    This is brilliant! I found it so true regarding Latin America, and the other countries you mention too, including my native Italy🙂 What about cities and personalities? for instance for me NYC is a Debby Harry, unconventional, mesmerizing in-your-face beauty. London? A girl with a chignon and glasses, but if you look behind, has sparkling green eyes and something cheeky about her..

    • Dugutigui says:

      Hahaha “A girl with a chignon and glasses” you are great! I think we should collaborate in the sequel…
      You also uplift my day🙂
      Thanks a lot!

  4. Common Sense Courier says:

    Wow! This is hilarious! It is a fine depiction (almost exact!) of the several countries as people. I am as well jealous of how well traveled you are. I too have longed to see more of the world. I have only seen glimpses of four other countries. That would only be two, depending on how you view Scotland and Ireland. I personally consider them independent, as they feel very separated from England. I can’t wait to read more!

    • Common Sense Courier says:

      Oh, I forgot to add. I like the statement you make at the end of your post. I wonder the same thing. Most of them seem to have severe, fatal issues. Some therapy and medication is what is needed.

      • Dugutigui says:

        Well, if we look back in history, all “advanced” countries at some point have got measles… so should not seem strange that newer countries pass through the same ordeal… as most of children do…
        On other hand as Gandhi pointed: Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”🙂

    • Dugutigui says:

      Thank you very much! Re travelling you should consider that a journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles… as someone said, so probably you have already travelled a lot…🙂

  5. Cheers for the like on our batman review dude!
    This was an interesting article too.

  6. Helena says:

    Great post! Love them all, and some are oh, so funny!

  7. Fay Moore says:

    Brilliant post! And thanks for visiting my new effort at faymoore.wordpress.com. Moved to WordPress from Blogger and am finding WP less user friendly. Plan on using the tutorial to help me do a better job. But, back to your post: you put a smile on my face!

    • Dugutigui says:

      Thank you! You also put a smile on my face with your comment!
      Thanks for coming and good luck with WP, I never try other one… so I don’t know the differences or nuances…

  8. chankaiyee2 says:

    Interesting calculation but wrong about China as China is more than 4,000 years old accoding to “The Book of History”, the first Chinese historical text. It describes the reigns of Emperors Yao and Shun 4,000 years ago, which were obvious centralized monachies. It contains records of official documents dated back more than 3,000 years ago. There are,however, Chinese legeds on emperors 5,000 years ago, but no authoritative book that keeps record of them. Therefore, let us assume China is 4,000 years old. According to your calculation, China must at least be 285 years old.
    “The Book of History” is difficult even for Chinese scholars to read; therefore, understandably, Wikipedia regards “Spring and Autumn Annals” as the earlist Chinese historical text.The book covers the period from 722 BC to 481 BC. Confucius wrote that book and is admired for his written skill in writing only one sentence about each of the various complicated historical events and yet able to show his various attitude towards them. To give detailed account of the events, three books were written soon afterward. The one written by Zuo Qiuming was especially detailed, interesting and instructing.
    If calculated later from 722 BC, China is 195 years old.using your method.
    I would like to read your description of China based on the two ages, which I believe are not different as no human being has ever lived that long.

    • Dugutigui says:

      Let’s say it is a literary license…
      You are right, but also it depends on what we call China as an estate. For example, the Peking Man fossils were found in a cave near present-day Beijing and dated somewhere between 300,000 and 780,000 BC. Then her age would be 55,714 years or so… (no way)
      If we speak about the Imperial China (the first unified Chinese state) then we came to 221 BC. 156 years… (still no way)
      Let’s assume for the line of the post sake, that we speak about the Tang Empire (the final time) and then things are coming into place…
      Note I’ve living in China -Beijing and Shanghai- for almost one year…and this post was created just for fun… I ask you to forgive me for that license🙂

  9. chankaiyee2 says:

    The first unified Chinese state was not the Qin Dynasty. According to “The Book of History”, the China under the rule of Emperor Yao 4,000 years ago was a centralized unified state where all important local officials were appointed by the emperor.
    Both the later Shang and Zhou Dynasties were unified Chinese state. In the Spring and Autumn Period (722 BC to 481 BC), a later part of the Zhou Dynasty, the King of the Zhou Dynasty was greatly weakened due to foreign aggression. He no longer had the strength to control the whole country but was still respected as the king of entire China by all the heads of states who maintained their titles as dukes, earls, etc. except that of Chu in the south who took the title of king. Emperor Qin Shihuang reunified China when China split into several kingdoms in the later Warring States Period (475 BC to 221 BC).
    In order to exaggerate the achievement of the Communist Party in Mao’s and the communists’ so-called unification of China, there is propaganda about Qin Shihuang’s greatness in unifying China. Such propaganda, especially the film “Hero”, has brainwashed people outside China and made them believe that China had not been a unified state until its reunification in 221 BC by Qin Shihuang.
    In fact, the China reunified by Qin Shihuang was not a stable unified country. It split again soon after Qin Shihuang’s death. A stable unified China for centuries did not emerge until the powerful Han Dynasty reunified China at the end of five years of civil war after the collapse of the Qin Dynasty.
    So was Mao’s reunified China. When Mao asked Deng Xiaoping in 1974 what would happen when he died, Deng’s reply was wars between warlords. A really stable unified China did not emerge until Jiang Zemin’s silent peaceful coop.
    I know that your post is for fun and enjoy the fun too. However, as a fighter against Mao’s tyranny, I have the duty to take every opportunity to denounce Qin Shihuang, the tyrant Mao worshiped, and remove people’s misunderstanding of Mao’s and Qin Shihuang’s tyranny.
    I certainly offend the Chinese Communist Party in doing so as Mao’s image concerns the legitimacy of its rule.

  10. kchey says:

    Great post, very creative!

  11. hankblank says:

    I am a Canadian who loves Argentina so what does that make me?

    • Dugutigui says:

      You shouldn’t take in consideration the comedy tone of the post regarding Canada –or Argentina… but if we have to follow the line you would appear as a just reformed youthful gay running behind preteen girls… something quite improbable per se and I don’t think that is your case🙂

      On other hand, Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice that “love is blind and lovers cannot see.” More than 400 years later, brain imaging has offered some scientific support to that iambic verse. Said that…

      I’m working in Argentina in an international Co; but I’m not Argentinean… In fact I like Canada very much and I’ve been working for several Canadian companies that always treated me much better than just well…

      Coming back to your question again… I think that would be important to clarify first if you know Argentina or it is just a blind love affair… I am agreed that this country landscapes are amazing -in a sense unique, but comparable to some in Canada. Then the people… not too different than anywhere else, some good and some bad…

      So frankly speaking I have not the slightest idea…

      • hankblank says:

        Planning our 6th drip down to BA this fall. My web person is there. http://www.xentina.com

        Are you on Linkedin?

        Take care.

        Hank

      • Dugutigui says:

        Hope to have a Rutini Malbec with you when here…
        I’m not in any social network -for principles🙂
        But I have Skype and mobile🙂
        I’m travelling tonight, but I will find the way to pass you my contact details at my return in a couple of days.
        Thanks for the message

      • hankblank says:

        That’s great. Where do you live. Yes I have had that and will have some Dona Paula soon.
        Safe travels. Hank

      • Dugutigui says:

        Part time in San Luis, and the rest in Santa Cruz. I see you know one thing or two about Argentina: Doña Paula is a great one… also office in Bs As… So probably I will learn several things from you… I’m here just a year…
        Thank you!

      • hankblank says:

        You should connect with my friend Dante Fiorini down there. He is in Mar Del Plata.
        I gave you his site and his e mail is dante@xentina.com

        Used to live in the OC.

        Take care,

        Hank

  12. Coco Dega says:

    This would make an AMAZING opera! This from an artist’s opinion, and the fact that your writing is lyrical with surprise twists…fresh, made me think. Thanks!

  13. Absolutely wonderful.🙂
    I read your post several times, every time an additional detail strikes me…
    Keep writing!

  14. Chris Krash says:

    Great post!

  15. Padre Ralph says:

    wow! love it ! I’m in BA for the first time in 2 weeks …. would love to know what you think about Malta …. the oldest whore ever??

    • Dugutigui says:

      Thank you and welcome to Argentina!
      Malta… let me think… Malta… Where is Malta?

      Oh yes… that pot of civilizations eating pastizzis and living in 3 out of 7 islands… but with more Maltese people in Melbourne, Australia , than there are in Malta… with 350 churches in 300 sq Km… packed with ancient relics… as Neolithic temples older than the Pyramids…
      Yes, that’s old… whore? Let me think about the last part…

      I think you fit here: Another who has children scattered everywhere is England. He sails at night, he screws around and nine months later a new island (7 in this case) appears somewhere in the world. But he doesn’t ignore them. In general, the islands live with the mother, but England (Europe now🙂 ) pays the child support.

      Malta achieved its independence on 1964 so it’s a baby of less than 4 years. No way to be a whore at the age…🙂

  16. Hedda Cui says:

    I was shocked by ur imagination, creativity and ur experience! Some people may overreact about this, but I really enjoy this~ I really do. Excellent work!

    • Dugutigui says:

      You fawn on me, you that are the essence of the writing feelings, you that convey not a message so much as the provenance of a message, an advent of sense, you fawn on me…

  17. redwheelbarrow1957 says:

    So your trade is in illusion, delusion, a catwalk over madness. Google maps of the mind with a madman in a balloon traveling wild with a child and an iguana.

    • Dugutigui says:

      Father, mother -as everybody, I assume, married a couple of times, children, one friend or two, or something, none of them has been able to describe me as close to the real me as you have done. I’m not sure I have to thank you for that. Only, I’m not trading, poking better, with pretended humor.
      Courtesy -plus courage: Thank you!

      • redwheelbarrow1957 says:

        We recognize each other meeting in the landscape I have plotted understanding that what we see, this shift in the boundaries of reality, the other dimensions that loverlay the worlds common experience is seen by us and a few others. It is not a critique but a tip of the hat to a fellow traveler. I am very jealous of your physical travels, though I understand what it costs you and that cost is why I chose not to follow that physical path. Now a comment: Wow! All that being said, I would rather laugh than cry and if anyone laid out what I just said to you on me, my Guru Bullshit Alarm would be going off! (Plug in maniacal laughter right here.) Yeah and I do have that laugh that people turn restaurants to see who the hell is making all the noise. Yeah, I am that guy. One more thing, mmmmm Argentina. Never been there but it is definitely on my list. I love how your written English is accented with your past and travels.

      • Dugutigui says:

        I left the answer to your extensive exposure for the end, because it requires me a little time to assimilate it, being more a wonderful post than a simple comment. I agree that sometimes fast crossing glances between strangers, the ones going through all the protective layers, says more than thousand words about yourself. It’s that kind of conspiratorial recognition that need not to be explained and that happens from time to time in the middle of nowhere. It may be the case here. However, the instant recognition sometimes is not welcome, and that depends on the type of parallelism that it brings back to the memory of the conspirators. Not only can one be a twin soul in good attitudes, but also in that you don’t want to remember, and that’s the downside of it. Not the case here I believe, just a clarification. Also I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints – The sinners are much more fun… as Billy Joel used to say. Regarding Argentina, I’m just a stranger here, and rarely have felt connected despite speaking the same language. Beautiful landscapes, yes, and a wonderful wine, but too many things that should not be, from my foreign point of view, and are not going to change. It is curious that a country of immigrants is so unreceptive with the new -and temporary in my case- migrants… is as a collective amnesia based on simpleton selfishness. And a very short fish memory on the other hand … On the positive, this kind of seclusion, allows me time to write in peace … but I’m beginning to miss some real human intensity… and I’m longing for the exit time…

  18. redwheelbarrow1957 says:

    I am not as sophisticated in this blogging as you and not able to link you as I would like to to my piece Alone in a Crowd.
    As to everything else, yes.
    Argentinans and Americans regarding the immigrant nations that we are and the resistance to the stranger is the same and a ridiculous shame

  19. Cuando Angus Young empezó tenia 13 años,4 años mas tarde estaban grabando su primer disco,el sigue con el uniforme, y el Zeppelin se cayo….

    • Dugutigui says:

      Uno de los mejores guitarristas de todos los tiempos. Y AC/DC ha sido siempre uno de mis grupos favoritos. Aun debo tener por ahí el Back in Black, aunque ya no tengo tocadiscos…

      • Es cierto,yo tenia 8 o 9 años cuando en la vereda de mi casa encuentro un cassette de BACK. Me acuerdo que desde ese momento nació en mi el amor a la música .
        Jimmy Page en la pelicula la canción es la misma aparece con un tocadisco…

      • Dugutigui says:

        Lo siento por el retraso en contestar, pero he estado muy ocupado.
        Gracias por tu comentario!

      • Espero que puedas escuchar en Blue o en dvd,el recital que grabaron en Argentina ,se portaron bien ,además de presentar su ultimo Trainnnn.Tocaron 7 temas de BackEspero que estés bien y la pases mejor
        Exitos!!!.

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