I once heard that Argentina is not better or worse than Spain, just younger. I liked that theory, so I invented a trick to calculate the age of a nation based on the “dog system”.
In childhood, we were taught that to know whether a dog was young or old, we should multiply its biological age by 7. In the case of nations, one must divide their historical age by 14, to infer its “human” correspondence. Confusing?
In this article, I come out with some revealing examples.
Argentina was born in 1816; therefore she’s 190 years old. If we divide it by 14, Argentina is about 13 and a half “human” years old. In other words, she’s in the awkward age. Rebellious, bean-flicking, with short memory and rash answering, and has got acne grains all over (is that why they call her the “barn of the world”?).
Almost all Latin American countries are the same age and, as always in such cases, they join in gangs. The MERCOSUR gang is formed by four teenagers who have set a rock band. They rehearse in the garage, make plenty noise, but have not released an album yet… Venezuela, already with budding tits, is about to join them, as the choir. In fact, like most girls her age, she’s dying for sex, in this case with Brazil, who is 14 and (has) the largest member of the gang. Mexico is also a teenager, but with Indian ancestry. That’s why he laughs little and doesn’t smoke even a harmless joint, as the rest of his buddies do; instead, he chews peyote, and joins the United States, a mentally retarded of 17, who is devoted to bully starving 6 y. o. kids in other continents.
At the other extreme of the rope is the ancient China. Dividing her 1,200 years by 14, we get a granny of 85; conservative, with a funky cat pee smell, which spends her days eating rice because she has no money -yet- to buy a false denture. China has an 8 y. o. grandson, Taiwan, who makes her life miserable. She is long divorced of Japan, an old grouch which coupled with the Philippines, a young girl of dissolute life, always ready for any aberration in exchange for cash.
Then there are countries that have just turned the age of majority and go for a ride in the father’s BMW. For example Australia and Canada are the typical countries that grew under the protection of pop England and mom France, with a strict and snobbish upbringing and now they are acting fool. Australia is a tart just over 18, which practices topless and has sex with South Africa, while Canada is an emancipated gay who, at any time, could adopt baby Greenland to form one of those alternative families actually in vogue.
France is a 36-year separated woman, more slutzoar than the hens, but well respected in professional fields. She has a son, just 6 y. o.: Monaco, which is poised to be a hustler or a dancer … or both. She is the sporadic lover of Germany, a rich truck driver who is married to Austria, who knows she is being cheated on, but couldn’t care less.
Italy has been a widow for long. She lives for caring of San Marino and the Vatican, two catholic sons identical to the Flanders’ twins. She was married twice, the second with Germany (they did not last long, but got a baby: Switzerland), but nowadays she wants nothing with men. Italy would like to be a woman like Belgium, a lawyer, independent, wearing pants and talking politics face to face with men (Belgium sometimes also fantasizes on knowing how to prepare spaghetti).
Spain is the most beautiful woman in Europe (probably France could overshadow her, but she loses spontaneity because she is using way much perfume). She shows off the boobs a lot and almost always goes drunk. Frequently she gets screwed by England and then make a complaint. Spain has children everywhere (almost all 13) which live far away. She does love them much, but she is not happy when they are hungry and come home to spend some time and raid the fridge…
Another who has children scattered everywhere is England. He sails at night, he screws around and nine months later a new island appears somewhere in the world. But he doesn’t ignore them. In general, the islands live with the mother, but England pays the child support.
Scotland and Ireland, England’s siblings living on the upper floor, are always drunk and they can’t even play soccer! They are the shame of the family.
Sweden and Norway are both 40 and both lez, have nice bodies regardless their age, but give ball to none. Just screwing and working, as they are graduated in something. They sometimes do a threesome with Holland (when they need a joint); other times, they become hysterical with Finland, which is an average androgynous of 30 years, who lives alone in an unfurnished attic and spends his time talking on the phone with Korea
Korea (the one in the south) spend her time watching out her schizoid northern sister. They are twins, but the northern one took a sip of amniotic fluid when she left the womb and ended up quite dense. She spent her childhood playing with guns and now, that she’s living alone, she is capable of anything. United States, the 17 year old dumbbell, monitors her closely, not for fear, but because he wants to take the guns away from her.
Israel is a 62 years scholar who has got a shitty life. A few years ago Germany, the truck driver, didn’t see him and run over him. Since that day Israel went ape. Now, instead of reading books, Israel spends the day on the terrace, throwing stones at Palestine, a girl who’s washing clothes in the house next door.
Iran and Iraq, both 16, were making their living by stealing bikes and selling parts, until the day they stole a truck’s part from the wrong guy, the U.S., and that was the end of their business. Now they are eating their snots.
The world was fine that way, until the day Russia joined (without wedding) the Perestroika and had as a dozen or so of children. All flimsy, some Mongols, most schizophrenics.
A few weeks ago, thanks to mayhem with bullets and corpses, serious people around the world have learned that there is a country called Kabardino-Balkaria. A country with a flag, president, anthem, flora, fauna … and even with people!
It makes me a bit scared that countries that young appear so suddenly. That we find out about them overhearing on next table conversation and then you have to put a face like “we already knew”, not to seem illiterate.
And I wonder: Why do countries continue to be born, if all of them are still not functioning?
The World, According To Casciari – Hernán Casciari (Buenos Aires, 1971) – Translated by Dugutigui