African nights… What follows are some jokes from my good friend Chris in front of some fruity cocktails at the Blue Naartjie. A naartjie, for those who don’t know, is a tasty South African tangerine. This bar in Orange Grove suburb has to be one of JHB’s best kept secrets. Set in a pretty tree-lined street, the lively vibe in summer goes on until day break when the toughest “Joburg jollers” are still on the go. They have the best espresso in town –and the best party I have had for a long time. The great music playing and the friendly fellow boozers sitting up in the top floor balcony, always made me unable to decide whether I should stay until dawn, while hearing Chris’ jokes.
President Zuma meets with the Queen of England . He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Zuma frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.”
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Gordon Brown in here, would you?”
Gordon Brown walks into the room “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Gordon. Your mother and Father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Gordon Brown answers, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.
Back in Cape town, President Zuma asks to speak with Julius Malema. “Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” says Julius. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
Julius goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into Mark Lottering. Julius looks around to see if anyone can overhear them, and he whispers, Mark! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Mark whispers back, “That’s easy. It’s me!”
Julius smiles and says “Thanks!”
Julius goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Zuma. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Mark Lottering.”
Zuma gets up, stomps over to Julius, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It’s Gordon Brown!”.
Leon and his wife Vicky are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. Leon gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
-”Ag nie, not a chance,” says Leon, “its 3 o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
-”Who was that?” asked Vicky.
-”Ag, just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
-”Did you help him?” she asks.
-”No, I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it is pouring outside!”
-”Nie Leon, you have a short memory,” says Vicky. “Can’t you remember about 4 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
Leon does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
-”Hello, are you still there?” shouts Leon.
-”Ja,” said the drunk.
-”Do you still need a push?” asks Leon.
-”Ja, please!” answers the Drunk.
-”Where are you?” asks Leon.
-”Over here… on the swing!”
Sipho had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.
His argument: “I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I am late.”
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Sipho’s colleagues to sneak into Sipho’s room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Sipho’s knowledge
The following day Sipho does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that. So Sipho gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work.
His argument: “I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror. I see no Sipho I tink Sipho already left for work”
In the “Diula” language in Mali, the term « dugutigui » (chief of the village), literally translated, means: «owner of the village»; «dugu» means village and «tigui», owner. Probably the term is the result of the contraction of «dugu kuntigui» (literally: chief of the village).