gym tribulations – (en/es)

After months of feasibility assessments, and because of my sedentary work and the consequent accumulation of fat in my belly, the company offered me a personal training service in a recognized gym. I didn’t thought about twice and gladly accepted it and even went personally to make my reservation. I was assigned a personal trainer named Susan, a voluptuous 26-year instructor, sportswear model as I could observe… She explained me that it would be very helpful to write down my experiences in a paper so I could see the progress myself.
So I did, and I would like to share it with you…
DAY 1
I got up at 6 am as we agreed. Pretty hard to get out of bed to go to the gym, but everything changed when I arrived and saw that Susan was waiting for me. She looked like a Greek goddess, blond, green eyes and a big smile, with spectacular fleshy lips.
We did a tour. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that it was so rapid, but I took the opportunity to make a compliment and I attributed it to her, she was wearing a Lycra mesh that got into her …
I enjoyed watching her doing the aerobics class, after finishing my inspiring exercise day. Susan kept me motivated to do my abs, though it hurt really badly my paunch.
DAY 2
I drank two cups of coffee, and finally managed to leave my house. Susan made me lie on my back and I began to lift a heavy metal bar, and then she dared to put on… WEIGHTS!
On the treadmill my legs were a little wobbly, but I managed to complete a mile. Her approving smile and a wink made it all worthwhile. I felt fantastic! It was a new life…
DAY 3
The only way I could brush my teeth was by fixing the toothbrush on the sink and shaking my head both sides over it. I think I got a hernia in my belly.
Driving wasn’t easy: just breaking the car make me feel pain even in the hairs of my ass, I parked on top of a pizza delivery scooter…
Susan was a little impatient with me considering that my cries of pain bothered other club members. The truth is that her voice is a little sharp at such early hours of the morning and when she rises the voice becomes nasal … It is very annoying.
My balls hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Susan switched me to the climber. I wonder why fuck someone invents such a machine to do something that has become obsolete with the use of elevators? She told me it would help me to get in shape and fully enjoy life. Another bullshit of hers…
DAY 4
Susan was waiting for me with her fucking green eyes staring like daggers and her mocking smile Joker-in-Batman style.
I couldn’t help but being half hour late: it was the time I was trying to tie the sneakers. The bastard put me to work with the dumbbells, but when distracted, I ran and hid in the bathroom. She sent another coach to find me. and as punishment put me to work on the rowing machine and… a fart heard all around the gym was beyond me. I had never been so embarrassed in my life.
DAY 5
I hate that Susan bitch more than any other human being in the world. Fucking anemic, with those collagen lips, oxygenated hair with no brain beneath. If there would be a part of my body I could move I would kick her ass badly, fuck the bitch who bore her too.
She wanted me to work on my triceps. I DO NOT HAVE TRICEPS! And if you don’t want to smash the gym floor, don’t pass me the fucking bar or anything that weighs more than a sandwich…
The exercise bike made me pass out and I woke up in a stretcher of the dietitian, another farting anorexic lesbian that gave me a lecture on healthy diets. The bastard has not the slightest fucking idea of what is to be hungry.
Why I always get the bitches? Why not someone else? Someone more relaxed, as a master needlewoman or a stylist….
DAY 6
That fucking bitch Susan left a message on the answering machine with her little asshole voice asking me why I wasn’t coming today. Just listen to her and I threw the fucking phone, but then neither I had the strength to lift it nor to lift the TV remote control, so I’ve got 11 straight hours watching the same cable channel. National Geographic’s damn shit, I had to endure one on mating little birds, and I didn’t fuck six days ago BECAUSE I CAN’T!…
DAY 7
I asked the Church’s van driver to come and pick me to go to mass, and thank God that this week was over. I also prayed that next year the company sends me to something a little more fun: a dentist appointment, a course of handcrafting, a prostate checking…
Luego de meses de estudios de viabilidad y con motivo de mi trabajo sedentario y la consecuente acumulación de grasa en mi panza, la empresa me ofreció un servicio de entrenamiento personal en un reconocido gimnasio. No lo pensé dos veces y acepté gustoso y hasta fui personalmente a hacer mi reserva. Me asignaron una personal trainer llamada Susana, una escultural instructora de 26 años, modelo de ropa deportiva como pude observar. Ella me explicó que sería muy útil anotar mis experiencias en una ficha de forma de poder observar yo mismo mi progreso.
Así lo hice y quisiera compartirlo con ustedes…
DIA 1
Me levanté a las 6 de la mañana como habíamos quedado. Bastante difícil levantarse de la cama para ir al gimnasio, pero todo cambió cuando llegué y vi que Susana estaba esperándome. Parecía una diosa griega: rubia, ojos verdes y una gran sonrisa, con unos labios carnosos y espectaculares. Me hizo un tour, me mostró los aparatos y me tomó el pulso después de cinco minutos en la bicicleta fija. Se alarmó de que mi pulso estuviera tan acelerado, pero yo aproveché para piropearla y se lo atribuí a ella, que estaba vestida con una mallita de lycra que se le metía en el…
Disfruté bastante viéndola dar su clase de aerobics, después de terminar mi inspirador día de ejercicio. Susana me mantenía motivado para hacer mis abdominales, a pesar de que ya me dolía mucho la panza…
DIA 2
Me tomé dos tazas de café, y finalmente logré salir de mi casa. Susana hizo que me recostara boca arriba, me puso a levantar una pesada barra de metal; y después se atrevió a ponerle… ¡PESAS!
En la cinta mis piernas estaban un poco debilitadas, pero logré completar un kilómetro. Su aprobadora sonrisa y su guiño cómplice hicieron que todo valiera la pena. ¡Me sentía fantástico! Era una nueva vida…
DIA 3
La única forma en que pude lavarme los dientes fue poniendo el cepillo sobre el lavabo y moviendo la cabeza a ambos lados encima de él. Creo que tengo una hernia en la barriga.
Conducir no fue nada fácil: de sólo frenar el auto me dolían hasta los pelos del culo, estacioné encima de una motito de reparto de pizza…
Susana se impacientó un poquito conmigo por considerar que mis gritos de dolor molestaban a los demás socios del club. La verdad que su voz me resulta un poco aguda a tan tempranas horas de la mañana y cuando levanta la voz se vuelve nasal… Es muy molesta.
Me dolían las pelotas cuando me subí a la cinta, así que Susana me cambió a la escaladora. ¿Me pregunto, porqué mierda alguien inventa una máquina para hacer algo que se ha vuelto obsoleto con el uso de los ascensores? Ella me dijo que me ayudaría a ponerme en forma y a disfrutar plenamente la vida. Otra de sus gilipolleces…
DIA 4
Susana me estaba esperando con sus jodidos ojos verdes clavándomelos como puñales y su burlona sonrisita al estilo Joker en Batman.
No pude evitar llegar media hora tarde: fue el tiempo que me llevó atarme las zapatillas. La desgraciada me puso a trabajar con las mancuernas pero, cuando se distrajo, salí corriendo a esconderme en el baño. Mandó a otro entrenador a buscarme y como castigo, me puso a trabajar en la máquina de remar y… se me escapó un pedo que escuchó todo el gimnasio. Nunca pasé tanta vergüenza en mi vida.
DIA 5
Odio a esa perra de Susana más que a cualquier otro ser humano en el mundo. Anémica de mierda, con esos labios con colágeno, oxigenada sin cerebro. Si hubiese una parte de mi cuerpo que pudiese mover la patearía en el culo, la reputísima madre que la parió.
Quiso que trabajara en mis tríceps. ¡YO NO TENGO TRICEPS! Y si no quiere que rompa el piso del gimnasio, que no me pase las jodidas barras o cualquier otra cosa que pese más que un sándwich…
La bicicleta fija me hizo desmayar y me desperté en la cama de una nutricionista, otra flaca lesbiana anoréxica pedorra que me dio una cátedra en alimentación sana. La desgraciada no tiene la más puta idea de lo que es tener hambre.
¿Por qué no me pudo tocar alguien más tranquilo, como un maestro de costura o un estilista?
DIA 6
La muy hija de puta de Susana me dejó un mensaje en el contestador con su vocecita del  culo preguntándome por qué no fui hoy. De solo escucharla tiré el teléfono a la mierda, pero luego no tenía la fuerza suficiente para levantarlo, ni para levantar el control remoto de la tele, así que me quede 11 horas seguidas viendo un solo canal de cable. Maldito National Geographic, me tuve que aguantar una de pajaritos apareándose y yo que no pillo hace 6 días ¡POR QUE NO PUEDO!…
DIA 7
Le pedí al chofer de la furgoneta de la Iglesia que me viniera a recoger para ir a misa y agradecerle a Dios que esta semana haya terminado. También recé para que el año que viene la empresa me mande a algo un poco más divertido: una cita con el dentista, un curso de manualidades, un análisis de próstata…
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Gym tribulations – by Dugutigui
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About Dugutigui

In the “Diula” language in Mali, the term « dugutigui » (chief of the village), literally translated, means: «owner of the village»; «dugu» means village and «tigui», owner. Probably the term is the result of the contraction of «dugu kuntigui» (literally: chief of the village).
This entry was posted in English, Español, Humor, Politically Incorrect Language and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

48 Responses to gym tribulations – (en/es)

  1. See says:

    Que risa esa historia… La voluntad si parece un mito en estos días

  2. Coco Rivers says:

    Of course, I have not been on in too long a time so I never got to read this. I have to tell you that this just caused a wave of hysteria in my house. So, so funny! I really do feel your pain and will come back for comic relief as I am about to embark on my own wave of fitness. Pray for me LOL. Hope all is well!!!!

    • Dugutigui says:

      Thanks ma chère!
      I’m happy that I made you and your family laugh. I think the world is going to need overdoses of humor to bear what is around the corner… Hope I am wrong…
      And yes, my life is fine here in Argentina, but I have not even time to reply my good friends. I apologize for that.
      The eternal dilemma: If you have time you have no money and if you have money you have no time… and nothing in between.
      Hugs

  3. Coco Rivers says:

    D,

    “If you have time you have no money and if you have money you have no time… and nothing in between.” Never a truer word was spoken.

    Upset the balance lol!!! Glad you resurfaced for a bit and that all is well🙂.

    Peace,

    C.

  4. :)) :)) :))…. oh what a treat this story was… D, you are a really GOOD writer.

    • Dugutigui says:

      I know! hahahaha -just kidding🙂

      • well, you are kidding a lot in your great/sarcastic/inteligent/angry/inocent/naughty/sincere way, but you know that I know that you know your value😀😀 :D….
        no, seriously, keep writing IN ENGLISH, many will love it. besides, never underestimate the value of a genuine moment of laughter… might change a life.

  5. FeyGirl says:

    fantastic… just fantastic, thanks for the read/guffaw (as a resident of plastic fla, i can relate to your descriptions of gym culture). love the blog + writing!🙂

  6. You should have taken yoga. I am a yoga instructor, and I can tell you it is much better.

    • Dugutigui says:

      Well, it was just a writing exercise, for fun… as most of them. It’s not really my case, but I could get inside of a common man’s mind passing through this kind of ordeal…🙂 Lol!

  7. How lovely! I love how your mind works. So fun. I was a Polish Mystic Saint once.

  8. I know from whereof you speak. I tried all kinds of weight loss programs including ballroom dancing (Tango Argentine was an obssession) and Ashtanga Yoga, but circuit training in the gym was the most cruel of all!

    • Dugutigui says:

      Well, first I’m not the guy in the pic… sorry if that disappoints you🙂
      And I’m not Argentinean also… (now I may be hopeless fucked)…

      Anyhow, I am not a rooter of the holy temple of those who do not have a serious job and are not attending college. On other hand to utilize the power of the gym, one must be there for a majority of the days of the week, a few hours at a time, working on different areas of the body each day. Do not be one of the idiots who goes there just to bench press… that is a guido workout and will give you nothing but man boobs🙂

      • If anything, I am disappointed you’re not the man in the pic,. Argentine tango hated me. So I had to hate it back. That left me with Ashtanga yoga for a time but when I went beyond the sun salutations, I’d end up sleeping on the yoga mat and snore louder than mu husband. .Shame. So that makes me a woman in search of a weight loss program that doesn’t hurt. or embarrass.

      • Dugutigui says:

        … if any! Hahaha…
        I love your yoga tribulations, you may write a post on them🙂
        Myself I’m waiting for technology to advance enough and then get a bionic body Schwarzenegger type or something… even I could consider a Halle Berry model, for the crazy nights🙂

      • Ha ha. Good luck in your search for the bionic body building regimen and Halle Berry. Isn’t she divine. Lucky boy, Gabriel Aubry.
        Yoga. I haven’t told you how I twisted my tongue reciting the Sanskrit mantra.

      • Dugutigui says:

        Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry ended their relationship in May 2010, after he found a picture of me under the pillow of Halle… Hahahaha… Anyhow please do not comment on this with the press… She is divine, I agree… mainly because she is just behind me now and reading this comment🙂

        Om Dum Durgayei Namaha … A Kya Bolti Tu ? 🙂 Hahaha that’s an impossible tongue-twister,

  9. Aaaw, lucky you. I’ll forever be a Pau Gasol fan (and I’m not saying this because you’re Spanish). His warm up jerseys have been in the closet and his paper weight has been on the office table way before I run into your blog, I’m writing a post about it – a work in progress. I almost lost my son at sea who I left kayaking in the open sea because of Pau,
    I have a different mantra. It starts with ‘Om. Vande gurunam…’

    • Dugutigui says:

      Lucky Pau Gasol🙂
      Looking forward to see your new post!

      I bow to the lotus feet of the guru… or something… too much for me … I`m still learning Spanish…🙂

      • You’re a funny guy, ha ha. Hasta luego!
        You know, I can’t help but notice, there are many references about Mali in your ‘name’. I haven’t been there (but I’ve worked with some people from there at the uni in London) but I know it’s next door neighbor of Morocco. In the restaurants in Fes and elsewhere, I’d be listening to the music and songs of ‘Sangare’. She’s the one from Mali, correct me if I’m wrong. But her music was cool. It helped me digest food better than the tea. The Pau post (Stalking Pau) will have to wait. Too much ‘paid’ work to do, too many deadlines and too much ‘passion’ to invest in the writing, ha ha

      • Dugutigui says:

        The maelstrom of capitalism that dominates us…🙂
        and in Mali yesterday there was a coup…

  10. I’ll let you in on a secret. I do ‘paid’ work to support my ‘charity’ But I’m not telling which. I’m also embarking, for the first time in my life, a sort of exploratory, experimental entrepreneurship so good luck to me, ha ha.
    A coup in Mali is sad. And uprisings are everywhere, which make things even sadder. I hope it wasn’t bloody, if there’s such a thing,

    • Dugutigui says:

      So do I… in fact I’m running a NGO that includes my family and friends…. and friends of the friends… Hahaha🙂
      Good luck in your new endeavour!
      Re Mali, some must study politics and war that their sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy…

  11. NC Coot says:

    This is hysterical! The progression of your hatred towards her is genius. The first line in “Day 3” made me laugh out loud. Proud of you!

  12. jules1707 says:

    This post just really cheered me up…thank you🙂 Very funny indeed!

  13. Ron says:

    Gracias for following my blog.

  14. Absolutely love this!! You had me rolling on the floor!

  15. Kaz Atman says:

    Thanks for dropping by. You are hilarious!!! Thanks for the laughs🙂

  16. hehe…after doubling down today to combat yesterday’s indulgence…I literally feel your pain. Very funny, and worth the effort…;)

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