Aside of the –unpaid and hard– work this blog is giving me, I have another job that keeps afloat my family. It’s logistics. Project Logistics, precisely. It’s a good job, well paid, no bosses, travel with fully paid expenses and allowing me to enjoy lengthy periods of inactivity back home, as in recent months.
But above all, having had the opportunity to live in some fifty countries of this amusing blue little ball, enjoying the different cultures and idiosyncrasies and, especially, the people, is what I’m most grateful to my occupation.
If you would put together all the days I’ve spent away from my country, they would add up about twenty years. Out of those twenty, fifteen have been in Africa. And it’s in that continent, with its contrasts and its nuances, where life –my life– was really lived up. Day and night. Every single minute…
But this is a different story…
Speaking about African nights, what follows are some jokes from my good friend Chris in front of some fruity cocktails at the Blue Naartjie. A naartjie, for those who don’t know, is a tasty South African tangerine. This bar in Orange Grove suburb has to be one of JHB’s best kept secrets. Set in a pretty tree-lined street, the lively vibe in summer goes on until day break when the toughest “Joburg jollers” are still on the go. They have the best espresso in town –and the best party I have had for a long time. The great music playing and the friendly fellow boozers –a mix of hard living hipsters and in-the-know tourists– sitting up in the top floor balcony, always made me unable to decide whether I should stay until dawn, while hearing Chris’ jokes.
Leon and his wife Vicky are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. Leon gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
-“Ag nie, not a chance,” says Leon, “its 3 o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
-“Who was that?” asked Vicky.
-“Ag, just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
-“Did you help him?” she asks.
-“No, I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it is pouring outside!”
-“Nie Leon, you have a short memory,” says Vicky. “Can’t you remember about 4 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
Leon does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
-“Hello, are you still there?” shouts Leon.
-“Ja,” said the drunk.
-“Do you still need a push?” asks Leon.
-“Ja, please!” answers the Drunk.
-“Where are you?” asks Leon.
-“Over here… on the swing!”
Jan and Becky an elderly couple had dinner at their friend’s house Leon and Rose, another elderly couple. After eating the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking,
Leon: -“Last night we went out to a new restaurant, they had the most delicious Springbok beefs. I would recommend it very highly.”
Jan: -“What’s the name of the restaurant?”
Leon knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to Jan,
-“Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
Jan: -“A Carnation?”
Leon: -“Nie. The other one”
Jan offers another suggestion, -“The Poppy?”
-“Nahhhh,” growls Leon, “You know the one that is red and has thorns.”
Jan: -“Ah, Do you mean a rose?”
Leon: -“Yes, Ja that’s it. Thank you!”
Leon then turns toward the kitchen and yells,
-“Rose darling, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
Two guys are moving about in a Pick ´n Pay supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other,
-“I’m sorry -I was looking for my wife.”
-“What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
-“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
-“She’s tall, with beautiful long hair, long slender legs, firm body and a very nice backside. What’s your wife look like?”
-“Never mind, let’s look for yours!”
A farm family from the Bosveld was visiting Johannesburg and they were in a shopping center for the first time in their lives.
The father Stoffel and his son Frikkie were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
-“Pa, What’s that?”
Stoffel (never having seen an elevator) responded,
-“Frikkie my son, I do not know. I have never seen anything like that in my entire life; got no idea what it is.”
While Stoffel and Frikkie were watching with amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a young gorgeous, voluptuous woman stepped out.
Stoffel, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
-“Frikkie my son, run and fetch Ma….”
A blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she’s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66.
The bank manager says, -“Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?”
The blond replies … -“Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A concerned Koos goes to see the family doctor and says,
-“Doc, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again.”
-“Well,” the doctor replies, -“go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this, so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness.”
Sure enough, Koos speeds home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says,
-“Doll, what’s for dinner?”
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again,
-“Doll, what´s for dinner?”
-“Ag, man Koos, for the fourth time, it’s vegetable stew!”
Blue Naartjie nights – Dugutigui
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